The Fascinating Issue of Trust

Money is an interesting thing. It really is. Have you ever stopped to notice the power it has over people? One day you can think that someone is a friend that trusts you quite a bit, and then comes the issue of money. That blasted creation.

The reason I talk of this is because, like most college students, my money is in short supply. Gas prices are on the rise to ridiculous, rent is not exactly what one can call low, and all the other costs of living seem to be rising more with each day. And in the midst of all of this comes dealing with down payments. Now, usually this would not be so entirely stressful. I've been working all semester to have the money necessary to secure a place to rent, but once in a while I've had to pay for other things like going home and dealing with paying for credits.

One of my roommates decided to go Nazi today about money, and trigged so many of my anxieties stemming from past crap that I wanted to cause her some major harm. For some reason the explanation that I would have almost the entire sum by the 9th wasn't good enough, and she went into attack mode. To say the least right now I am deeply stressed and tempted to call my friend Derek to see how much he is willing to buy my car for.

I really, really hate money. And the thing is, I feel like I can't talk to my parents about it. They have so many financial burdens because of my brother and how work is going for my dad that I just...don't want to be another problem for them. I don't know what to do.

Summer Days

You know, I never thought I would get to the point where finals week just wasn't that scary. Is that an odd sensation? I still have two papers to write, one of them being an analysis of one of my favorite movies and the other a brief blurb from the perspective of a Renaissance painter, and a radio program to mix, but I'm really calm about the whole thing. My radio program doesn't scare me because I know how to do that, and the papers...those are going to get done tonight. Tomorrow I check out of my room at Juniper, and today I turn in my journalism portfolio. Overall it seems like things are going rather well.

I'm actually going to be living down in Cedar City for the summer, so that should be something of an adventure. I'll be continuing my work at the observatory, so if you want to talk I'll be there every Monday night starting at sundown. Beyond that I'll probably be working another two jobs so my future roommate won't continue to worry about making payments on where we will be living during the summer and the coming school year. While I'm at it, I'll also be writing the book I promised I would finish this year, and I'll be working hard to do everything I can to improve the coming semester.

Life is scary. Life is hard. Life is expensive. Those are my lessons going into summer, and if the stress doesn't kill me I bet it will be a very fun experience. Here's to seeing those of you here at school in the coming fall, and to the rest of you...Well, our paths will cross again sooner or later. Don't be afraid to email me.

To life!

Nearing the Chaos of Finals

Wow, it seems like the year has all but blown past. Life is becoming a mass of days that blur together and any sense that used to exist has been tossed to the seven winds. The ride has been a long one, especially recently, but I can honestly say that I have been having so much fun along the way. School has been a new challenge that I'm still learning how to deal with in the best way possible, I've learned new ways of dealing with people, and my list of random skills has nearly doubled in just the past few months.

In all honesty I can say that college has been one of the best experiences in my life, and I can clearly see God's hand in my life. Each day He shows me over and over again that He loves me and is looking out for me. It's amazing to think that things so simple as getting a green light when I need one to so vast as being placed into a class just so I could meet a person are all being handled with loving care, and I'm so grateful to the Lord for all that he does.

This Sunday, especially, I felt His love when I taught one of my last lessons of the year. When I was first called to teach the Gospel Essentials class I was worried that I would somehow not be good enough to teach--mainly because of an experience I had acting as a substitute for the class and having only seven people show up--and from the very first lesson I gave He proved that He qualifies whomever He calls. It's amazing to watch that class talk about the gospel with such passion, and I literally just get to stand back and ask them questions on the given topic. Teaching that class has taught me so much about myself and the Lord that I wouldn't trade the experience for anything in the world, and I can honestly say that I hope I get to teach another class in the coming year.

I've also had a lot of great experiences with the people I know. Thanks to my friends here at college I've grown into a person that I can honestly say that I am beginning to really love. All of my life I've struggled with accepting myself and being happy with my appearance, and I've never really had people around me who have given me cause to rethink that. My parents, of course, have always told me that I'm a beautiful person inside and out, but do we ever really believe it when parents tell us those kinds of things? I didn't used to, but the last time my dad told me he was proud of me I couldn't help but think, "You know, I'm proud of me, too." I didn't even think that when I did Taming of the Shrew, and that was supposedly my crowning moment. People like Amberle and Rachel have shown me my own strengths and taught me that beauty isn't always as the world sees it. I guess you could say I've learned we're all beautiful, it's just a matter of whether or not we accept that beauty and allow it to blossom. It will take me a while to really accept myself and everything about me, but... Well, at least now I am on the right path.

Of course, life is going to hit a point soon where I'm going to be ripping my hair out and want to run around screaming. Finals are coming up within the next two weeks, and I can't help but be nervous. I've not done so well this semester at staying on top of assignments and doing my absolute best, and I'm worried that I'm not doing so well. Life is stressful, you see, when you have a scholarship that you have to work for, and so this summer I'm going to probably throw myself into work just in case my grades aren't good enough to keep my scholarship. I'm...terrified that I'm not going to succeed here at college, but I know that I have no other choice. I won't let myself fail. Next semester and for the last two weeks I am going to attack my classes with a will, but I don't know how this semester will turn out. I'm not overtly optimistic, but I am willing to accept whatever consequences come of my being an idiot. If I could give one piece of advice at this moment it would be to limit your stupidity to less expensive things.

Something really good happened this week, though. Ashli, a girl on my floor, has started helping me arrange music for "Nephi's Psalm" and she is absolutely wonderful. She was kind of amazed that I am being so ambitious as to want to get it published, but I have a feeling that Grandpa Bone would want me to do everything I could to spread the message of that beautiful scripture. Besides, when you get inspiration like that ignoring it is generally a stupid idea. I just hope my lyrics and Ashli's music can touch people's hearts like the testimonies of the three men it is based off of: Nephi, my grandfather, and my dad. I guess I just have to wait and see.

I've found one thing that makes me rather happy, though, and that's a random musician from Japan. His name is Hyde, and I decided to attach one of his music videos just in case any of you wanted to listen to it. The song is called "Angel's Tale" and it's all about the love he has for a wonderful girl who saved him and how, even though they are apart, he will always cherish what memories he has of her.



God bless you all, and remember I love you.

Sad News

Yesterday evening, just after dinner, I got a call from my dad. My grandfather passed away last night.

Daring To Be Passionate

Sometimes it really does rock to be an Honors student here at SUU. For those of you who have no idea what the Honors group is about I suppose I can give a quick rundown of some of the things we do, and I promise that it has a purpose.

The major thing that Honors is about is being passionate. But Kirstin, passionate about what? Well, that's the awesome thing; in the Honors program we are passionate about anything from changing problems at SUU to doing things outside of our majors to helping the community. One thing the Honors program is known for is what is called a MAD Lecture. Basically what we do is invite someone from the staff and faculty to come and talk for an hour about what they are passionate, especially on a topic they don't teach about. The last mad lecture, for instance, was Bob Ogie talking about Star Wars on a level beyond his usual lecture series, and before that we had a MAD Lecture about yoga. They're a really fun chance to see the people on campus get really excited about something, and if you watch around the school you can always see some sort of notice when one is coming up.

Another thing the Honors people are up to is actually happening this week. Every Thursday at ten o'clock at night The Grind hosts what is called "Vaudville," which is a variety show where people can do anything from dance to sing to juggle. This Thursday, however, Vaudville has been taken over by the Honors Program in order to raise funds. Now why on Earth am I bothering with mentioning this? Well, it just so happens they were daring to put me in the show performing a song with Amberle from a German musical called "Elisabeth." I don't know whether or not we'll be ready for the performance or not; so many things have been happening recently that life is just...I don't even know.

But hey, even if we're not perfect there are a number of kick butt acts from the Honors program that will be presented that night. If you're looking for a cheap date (it's only $3) or something to do with an otherwise boring Thursday night come to The Grind on Main Street at ten and enjoy a good show.

Spring Fever and House Hunting

You know, I never would have imagined that I could be this close to ending my first year of college. When you're growing up college seems to just be a distant phenomenon that happens to other people, but then it hits you over the head after the awkward period known as "life after high school." This year hasn't been the easiest--I've had to learn a lot about how college works and surviving the system that is so different from high school--but I wouldn't trade it for anything. The friends I've made, the experiences I've had, and the things I've learned are well worth all of the pain, mistakes, and time spent. In all honesty I think I can say college is one of the best things to have ever happened to me.

It's weird, but after Spring Break is over we'll only have a month left of school. And then what? May, June, and July will happen, and after that...BAM! School comes around again. Summer is going to be weird for me, that much I think I am certain of. I'm going to spend my time working and writing, and chances are I will be going insane by the time June 30th hits. I've gotten so used to being on my own and being able to just pop my head out of my door to find someone to go adventuring with that life at home is...foreign. My best friends from school will be either an hour to the north or south, and my friends from before school are also quite a ways away thanks to the move my family made this December. I don't know how I feel about summer, but I do know I am looking forward to the fall already.

And thinking of fall makes me think of the fact Amberle, Rachel, Kinsey, and I have been looking at places to live next year. Manzanita is being torn down over the summer, so there won't be as many options for housing because there is going to be something of a scramble as people try to find a place to live. That's why we've begun looking around now rather than waiting until April, and it's been...so fun. I mean, who would honestly think that going around looking at apartments and houses and duplexes would turn into an adventure? When I was growing up looking for a place to live was boring and scary, but this time around it has been so enlightening. For the first time I really feel like I'm on my own because living at Juniper wasn't a situation where I really had to fend for myself and find a place within my budget. The reason I mention this is because my friends and I today went to look at one place, and tomorrow we're going to look at another.

Holy. Crap. The one we looked at today is a brand new condo (I think it was a condo) that comes fully furnished with a dishwasher, a/c, washer, dryer, beds, and a master bathroom that is so beautiful that it nearly caused us physical pain. It was the most expensive on our list at $1,000 a semester, but when you sit down and do the math it's not so bad. We wouldn't have to buy beds or provide any furniture, which would save of us heaven alone knows how much money. I mean, it comes with a really nice tv, dining table, and everything. I wanted to move in today, but instead we took deep breaths and decided to look around. You see, bothering to keep your options open puts any other place you look at into perspective, and Dad always taught me to look around before really settling on a place.

I really like the one we looked at today, and I do plan on working both over the summer and during the school year so I don't think the money would really be an option. Besides, I could cook for myself which would instantly drop how much I was spending on food by at least 70%. Living on campus gave me great friends and great experiences, and I'm excited to see what awaits in the world of living away from the college. It should be exciting, and I hope I survive.

Beyond that... IT IS SPRING BREAK! Well, actually, I have to make it through one more class tomorrow morning, but after that I am free. Ah, the love of having a whole week where I can focus on my two ten page research papers and do a lot of just hanging out with my family. I hope to see some of my friends over the break, but I'm not going to hold my breath. All of the best laid plans tend to go very far astray. Hm, but it should be fun either way. I have to go pack, but I will let you all know just how much fun I had.

Stay safe, and don't do anything you'd regret.

A Nightmare In Red

Last night I went to the Faculty Dance Concert because my friend Christian was performing in it. He had mentioned that at the end was a thirty minute tribute to Queen, so I was more than willing to sit through a bunch of dances that would undoubtedly make no sense to my poor mind just to party out at the end. What I wasn't expecting, though, was to understand more than I expected to.

The first dance of the night was a ballet that told the story of two young people as they fought, wooed, and ended up together. That I understood this was amazing in and of itself, but during the dance I was...horribly distracted. Because of a set of red tights. Let's just say the lead male in the dance was wearing tight red tights and had way too much junk in his trunk. We came to the conclusion that his vanity got the better of him and that he stuffed. I don't think I will ever, and I mean ever, be able to think of that kid the same way ever again.

After that came a dance all about the different games people play. My favorite part was the Simon Says portion. Kara and Matt played Simon Says with Matt actually calling out commands and Kara dancing them. It made me happy. Oh, and the Red Light, Green Light portion made me pretty happy, too. Some of the dancing was a bit shotty in the beginning--something I notice because I am OCD about having everything perfectly timed--and I was afraid that I was going to have to suffer through the rest of the show.

And then in the second act a dance came along that fit one of the characters in my book's relationship with his first girlfriend so perfectly it hurt. The first time through the choreography they danced to words on the screen that displayed the girl's thoughts and the occasional speaking of certain phrases, and I noticed how she was constantly going off about loving him but he never really mentioning it. As her portion came to an end she got up and left, but the guy stayed. When they repeated the choreography it was to music, and it reflected the guys thoughts. At the end he left and walked out of the side door that is backstage. It was called Untitled (Regret) for a reason.

After that, of course, came awesome on a stick as we came to the last piece. Five Queen songs in a row with some of the silliest choreography made me happy enough that there weren't words. I wanted to get up and dance along, but figured they might have an issue with that so I stayed seated. The best laugh, though, was right at the beginning. Christian and all of the guys in the show came out in white tank tops, black spandex pants, and red sarongs and danced to "I Want To Break Free." Holy. Crap. Right at the end they were rolling over the floor trying to be sexyfine, and with the last notes of the song ripped off their tanktops. Amberle and I were laughing so hard it was difficult to pay attention to "Bicycle Race." Oh, and "Love of My Life" featured a point ballet piece that was absolutely gorgeous. I know the girl who did the dance because of Costume Construction Lab, and she's an amazing dancer. Even Laura, who could have danced with Ballet West if she dropped twenty pounds, said she did an absolutely fantastic job.

So even thought the night started out shaky with missed cues and dancers who couldn't seem to remember their choreography by the end of the night I was enchanted. Just, please, don't mention red tights near me or I might cry.