Sometimes I am very, very stupid. This seems to have been a problem for part of the new year, and it only just dawned on me. Ironic, huh? I've been letting other people's negativity get me down, and for what? Absolutely nothing! I don't like being sad, I don't like being upset, and I certainly don't like drowning in drama.
I suppose one thing that helped hinder me was that I was looking for things to go wrong. Doing that of course I'd find things to be upset about and of course I'd be miserable. You'd think that after so many times of learning this lesson it'd click once and for all, and I'm hopeful that maybe this time it'll stick.
I've come to appreciate in the past week how blessed I am. No matter what happens to me I still have my loved ones (both friends and family) and my Heavenly Father; as long as I've got them I can make it through anything. This past week I received a rejection letter from one of the universities I applied to for a master's degree... and it didn't hurt. I had expected to be upset and angry, but all I felt was peace. That school was not where I was meant to go, and I am all right with that. Of course, that did not keep my roommate from getting cream soda and chocolate to make me feel better. I certainly didn't mind! It was a good excuse to celebrate the things going right in life, which was a welcome change.
And, you know what, things are going right in my life. I am on track to graduate with my bachelor's this May, I have a steady group of friends who love me no matter how silly I get, and my testimony is stronger than it has ever been. The choices I have made this year have brought me to a good place, and I am confident in myself. It's a little silly, but I feel great about myself. I take time in the morning to get ready (rather than just rolling out of bed and getting dressed), and I even wear makeup with great frequency because I believe I deserve to look good. All of the awful shadows of doubt and self-loathing are leaving, and I always seem to be smiling. God really does answer our prayers, though it is always on His own time schedule.
In other news I may actually have a date. Shock, I know! The way it came about was pretty funny, too, all things told. Kinsey, the roomie, has been bothering me since the second month of school to ask the guy I like out. I had been rather obstinantly refusing on the grounds that everyone had told me he was not at all interested in dating. Finally I got sick of her pestering, and finally said on Saturday night that if dating came up during Sacrament meeting I'd ask him out. We made it all the way through Sacrament meeting without a single peep or hint of dating (instead it was all about prayers and how Heavenly Father answers prayers). At the very last minute the guy I like got up to give the Institute announcements... and the very last thing he said was, "Ladies, need a date? The Institute is hosting a Sadie Hawkins dance..." You can imagine the smirk on Kinsey's face, I'm sure.
True to my word, I asked him to the dance yesterday with the help of a few of my friends. Throughout the day he got four envelopes with sonnets on the outside of them ("Whoso List To Hunt" by Thomas Wyatt, "Sonnet 29" by Shakespeare, "In This Strange Labyrinth" by Lady Mary Wroth, and "Sonnet LVI" by Edmund Spenser). Inside each envelope was a card containing a single word ("You" "Have" "Been" "Tagged") along with scrambled letters of my name and the dance. He apparently had some trouble because he lost one of the letters, but eventually it all worked out. Supposedly I get my answer within the next day, and here's hoping it's a yes!
I must say, though, that I feel rather conspired against. It seems as if my mother and Kinsey have a higher power on their side.
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