Love: Me

Ever since I moved to Alabama, I have been struggling. Negativity, self-loathing, and feelings of being unwanted have abounded in my life, and I couldn't put my finger on why. There are a few things I must admit to before talking about my ultimate revelation, if only because they inform one another.

My first issue arose from the awfulness that was my car. It broke on the way out to Alabama, and it kept breaking after arriving. I was constantly stressing about whether my car was going to completely die that day, whether I would have the money to get it fixed, whether AAA would just start to hate me or not... Point in fact, I became a big worry wart. There is no feeling like that of being trapped and alone, without feeling you can impose on the lives of others for something so simple as a ride to the grocery store. Quite literally, I made a gallon of milk stretch twice as far as I should've just so I wouldn't have to impose on someone else. Which brings me to my next point. I...feel like a sore thumb among a flock of toes.

Weird imagery aside, I feel isolated. Back home I could walk across campus and run into dozens of people who not only knew me but had some sort of fondness for me. At church I couldn't make it to my seat without being stopped by three or four people who just wanted to see how I was doing, and at work I had friends who made the load easier to bear. I haven't really found that here. There are people I get along with, people who I think are really cool, and people I admire, but I don't have anyone I would comfortably call a good friend. As ridiculous as it may sound, I nearly had a hernia trying to find someone to go to a movie with, if only because I thought no one would want to spend time with me. In some little way, I was right. The people I work with now always manage to hang out with one another, but somehow...somehow I always get forgotten. That may have something to do with the different moral code I live by, but it still hurts. It'd be nice if my colleagues would do something sans-alcohol so I could feel safe in spending time with them. They know that being around alcohol makes me uncomfortable, but everything they do seems to revolve around the next glass of wine or bottle of beer; it'd be like me inviting a vegan to a pig roasting. Maybe I am putting more weight into my loneliness than I should, but it's not just isolated to school and work. Even at church I can't seem to find my footing among the people my age. At family home evening, the minute the lesson is over the other kids all bunch together and start to gossip loudly and act like the best of friends. I can stand right next to the circle without them even noticing that I'm there, even when I try to say something. By my nature I enjoy talking to people, but they won't even give me a chance. One of the girls told me that it was "just how everyone was--that they're not accepting" and I wonder how that can be okay. The only relief I find is in the married sisters in the ward, who are the only friends I really feel like I have. They invite me over for movie parties, ask me my opinions on current topics, and I genuinely feel they care about my well being. Only problem? They're married with kids. My relationship with them can't be the same as it would be with a peer, and it's something I am struggling with.

For the other point... Let's just say I managed to offend the wrong person and they refuse to forgive me. It's a very complicated mess, but it makes me feel as if succeeding here is going to take everything I've got.

But! I did not even notice how dark of a spiral I had gone off into. That is a serious, serious problem. It finally struck me this week what was going on. I turned in my first graduate paper, and started to walk across campus to work. I ran into several people along the way, and while they were genial none of them had a vested interest in me beyond light conversation. After turning in my paper I had been looking for someone to celebrate with, someone to commiserate with, and each time one of these people appeared my hopes rose. I thought, "Oh, surely so-and-so will want to talk!" Each time, I was proven wrong. It struck me that I was looking for a familiar face and, more importantly, a friendly face. It was as if I expected one of my best friends to appear so I could tell them about all of my hard work before we frolicked off on an epic adventure.

The problem with this scenario? I haven't given Alabama a chance. I have been so stuck in stress and agony (started by something I had no control over) that Alabama has not become home to me. Currently, it is just a nice place to exist. If I want friends, I need to be a friend to others. There have been times where I have been downright hostile to the kids in my family home evening group (usually from not getting a nap before going), and that's just not cool of me. As for work... Well, if I want a non-alcoholic get together, then maybe I should host one. I hate throwing parties, but I really want to make lasting friendships with the brilliant, amazing people at my school. I'm so lucky to have the opportunity to know such brilliant and diverse people, and at current I am wasting it. That is cruel to them and me. Lastly, I think I've been trying too hard to be some sort of idealized Kirstin. I'm nerdy, a little awkward, sharp, sarcastic, nerdy (yes, twice), and a little crazy; but, I've been hiding those things because I think people won't like me. Look how well that's turned out. I've learned this lesson once before, but this time it's different. This time it's just me, no back-up in the form of friends or family, and I need to make a stand for myself. I need to embrace and show off those quirks in my personality that truly illuminate my personality, and I think (if I do that) the right people will gravitate towards me. After all, how can I find the best possible friends for myself if I don't show people who I really am?

Point in fact, I have a lot of work still left ahead of me, and very little of it is something I can get from a book or cite in an article. But, I think now I have a chance. Recognizing a problem is the first step to fixing it, right? I just need to have a little more patience, a little more understanding, and a whole lot more me-flair... and I think everything will work out fine.

(And by way of side-note, a lot of the stress in my life disappeared after the transmission started to die on my car. Dad drove out Mom's car for me to use, and we sold the Volvo. I feel much better for having that burden removed, and am even managing to drive stick shift. Every day I show improvement--today I even stopped and started on a very steep incline! I just feel very blessed to have a mom that was willing to give up her car so I could feel safe and a dad willing to drive across the country a second time to get it to me. My parents love me so much, and I am so so lucky.)