Individuality

When I was about nine years old, boy bands became the biggest thing. N'Sync, Backstreet Boys, 98 Degrees... Yeah, those boy bands. Many of my friends were very into Backstreet Boys while I spurned the entire thing. Eventually, though, I realized that I was being ostracized because I lacked a patron boy band. It didn't make much sense to me, but I figured I might as well like one of them--if only to fit in. Rather than pick the band all of my friends like, I decided on going with Backstreet Boys' nemesis: N'Sync. I bought the magazines, had the posters, rocked out to the tapes. Oh yes, I was hardcore. My very first tape I purchased? N'Sync's debut album. I was living on the edge of pop-culture. One day, though, one of my friends turned to me and said, "You know, I thought you hated boy bands. So why do you like one all of a sudden?" Not what you'd expect of a life changing moment, eh? I told her that I just did, but the moment has stuck with me for more than a decade.

After the boy band trend began to fade, Pokemon became the rage. I go into that too. There were several years where I just followed the trends because it was easier, because then I'd have more friends. It wasn't until high school that I realized I'd been stuck in an identityless hole. I wore black because my friends did, and I was making lame choices because I didn't know what I actually liked.

Cue epic turnaround.

One day, I stopped wearing black. I distanced myself from the friends who were leading lives I did not want. I even tossed out several cds and movies I owned because I realized I didn't actually like them. Ever since then, I have striven to be as unique and individual as possible. Of course, this does come with its problems. For instance, some time ago I became very enamored with steampunk. Clock gears, Victorian clothing, magic systems... Oh, I fell hard. It was a combination of history, art, and fantasy--what more could a girl want? I tried to convince everyone around me that steampunk was the most fantastic thing ever. Most people just gave me confused looks and went on with their lives. Flash forward two years. Suddenly the popular crowd in my university's theatre department "discovered" steampunk, which I had told them about a year before. My beloved underground movement had gone mainstream, and it has only continued to do so. Instinctively, my reaction is to find a different movement to support. I don't want to be without an identity again, and I really hate being too mainstream. I really hate it. But, steampunk is absolutely wonderful. I mean, it gives me an excuse to wear corsets, goggles, and top hats! (I know, odd things to want to do. But I do love them.) Mostly, I have come to terms with the fact that other people want to enjoy the awesomeness of steampunk.

But... I can't help but feel that my sense of individuality is threatened.

In my family I used to be the anime geek. And then one of my cousins became intensely interested in anime, to the point she began to cosplay. By that time I had found steampunk, so I thought nothing of it. I had my new love, so everything was fine. Lately, though, this same cousin has began to gain an interest in steampunk. You guessed it, I became defensive. "It's my movement, though," I told someone. "If she starts to like it, who am I in the family?" Because, really, I don't know what sets me apart from the rest of my family. I write! But so do several other members of the family... I act! Well, gee, so do half the cousins. I have a degree! Kudos, but so do a lot of other people in the family. I am a huge nerd! Yeah, that's in your dna, kid. If it weren't for the fact I can sing very well, I would probably be having an identity crisis. As it is, I am currently experiencing the need to re-evaluate myself.

Going into the new year, I've decided to make goals rather than resolutions. One goal is to develop a new hobby or talent. Another is to befriend someone new, preferably someone with whom I have not been on good terms. I also want to get accepted into another conference (even if I don't go), and I want to get a much better score on the GRE this year. I'm hoping these things help me feel more like I'm unique, shiny, and lovely. Fingers crossed!