Kindness is something I think about a lot. It originally started as something I thought about because it was not a strong point of mine. I was so defensive growing up that I struggled to be kind and selfless. In all honesty, it wasn't until college that I realized how...selfish I could be. And since then I have realized a lot about kindness that has helped me become a much better person.
Kindness is something that cannot be faked or forced. It is something that is born out of genuine concern for others, and if you're not emotionally ready to be selfless then you cannot give true kindness. Now, that is not to say you have to be selfless all the time to be truly kind. Sometimes there are bursts of selflessness that give birth to kindness, and some days it is easier than others.
Another thing I've learned is that if you're looking for the bad in someone you will never want to be kind to them. You need to be willing to admit the good in others in order to want to serve them. I don't always like the people I'm kind to--sometimes I don't even know them--but I've found when I can find some reason to like them it is so much easier to show them kindness. Sometimes I even have to reevaluate the people in my life because I condemned them before I was ready to look for the good in them, and I'm always surprised by the things I let myself overlook. So, in point, let yourself find the good in others and you will stop looking for reasons to not show them kindness.
I've also learned that one act of kindness will lead to another. If you can only do one small thing it will lead to another small thing, and the kindnesses will build up into larger acts.
And, at the end of the day, the most surprising thing I learned about kindness is that you have to love yourself before you can be really kind. Kindness is an expression of love for those around you, but you can not really love others until you love yourself. So, to solve my own problems with kindness I looked inside myself. I had to heal my heart before I could really help those around me, and once I started to work on that being good to others came quickly.
Now, I'm not at all perfect at being kind. I have bad days and selfish moments and I lose my temper, but I really feel like I've come a very long way. And, in many ways, this blog post was for myself. I remind myself by telling others what I think and feel.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Alumna Status!
This weekend has been such a rush! I am still not entirely certain how I feel, but it's definitely been a great experience.
Thursday afternoon my parents arrived--just a few hours after I had survived my very last final. We puttered around and enjoyed the evening, which was a bit strange. I told Kinsey that I didn't know if I could be entertaining enough to keep them busy in Cedar City, but it seemed to pan out all right. Before I really knew what was happening, it was Friday morning.
Kinsey, Mom, and I spent the morning making "thank you" cards for the professors who had really helped me during my education. There were two who had initially been seen as "hostiles" by a rather naive Kirstin, but this year I've really tried to look past my initial conceptions. Amazingly, my first impressions were proved to be wrong. Because they had different opinions than me I had dismissed them, and that was completely unfair. Both professors are brilliant people in their own way, and I was glad to take the time to acknowledge all they have taught me. Mom (of course) made the most beautiful cards. She's such a talented artist, and I am so blessed to know her!
Once afternoon hit I got into my robes and cap, and we walked over to the school. I got into line with the other theatre majors who were graduating that day (all eight of us) and we wiggled our way into an order. When the procession began the theatre majors all ended up holding hands because we couldn't hold a straight line otherwise (ironically, the dancers marching beside us couldn't keep a straight line and fell behind at least three times). We danced our way beneath the bell tower, jived down the stairs, and passed through the gauntlet of professors cheering us on...and promptly managed to miss our turn. Eventually the college of Performing and Visual Arts was turned in the right direction, and we entered the arena to the sound of Dan Frezza announcing "The Graduates from the school of Performing and Visual Arts." Since Dan is both the husband of one of my favorite professors and the announcer for all of the PVA pre-show messages, it felt rather like coming home to have him do the announcement.
Commencement itself was loooooong. Landon, who beat me out for Student Commencement Speaker, did all right, I suppose. It was very animated and earned a few chuckles, but I like to think I would have done it better (which is likely my own vanity talking). Clayton Christensen gave a really nice address, and I thought his message of asking the right questions was a pertinent one. It really made me think about my studies and if I am asking the right questions of myself. I feel that I am, which makes me feel even better about my choices. I think my favorite part of the ceremony itself (besides moving the tassel over at the end) was the awarding of the honorary degrees. They were such good stories with such good people behind them, and I really want to be worthy of getting an honorary degree some day. And yes, that is officially now on my bucket list.
Saturday we got up early (by my standards) in order to make it to PVA's convocation. The graduates all marched in to the tune of "Swing and Circumstance", and then we all sat on the stage. It was great to watch all of the presentations by the outstanding students for Theatre, Dance, Art, Arts Administration, and Music all presented. We have some really talented people in my graduating class! And then came the important part designed to make proud parents cry: the conferring of the degrees. I was the first student from theatre to be announced. "Kirstin Bone, BIS in Shakespearean Studies." Walking across the stage I shook Dean Mendini's hand and accepted my empty degree case. I felt...effervescent.
After graduation the theatre people all went across the street to the auditorium. We then proceeded to have a rather...epic photoshoot for our graduating class.
Yes, that is us. In a fountain. It was a wonderfully silly way to cap off a wonderful day. My parents, Kinsey, and I then had lunch before I said goodbye to my parents. I'm moving home later this week so I can get ready for the huge move to Alabama, and I am..excited for what waits. Admittedly, I am very sad about no longer having Kinsey as my roommate. I think that, out of everyone I have met here at SUU, she means the most to me. She's practically become a sister to me, and I will miss her so much when I move to Alabama. I have been told repeated times that I can't take her with me since her teacher's certification isn't national yet.
If nothing else, though, I am now an official alumna of SUU, class of 2011. Woo!
Thursday afternoon my parents arrived--just a few hours after I had survived my very last final. We puttered around and enjoyed the evening, which was a bit strange. I told Kinsey that I didn't know if I could be entertaining enough to keep them busy in Cedar City, but it seemed to pan out all right. Before I really knew what was happening, it was Friday morning.
Kinsey, Mom, and I spent the morning making "thank you" cards for the professors who had really helped me during my education. There were two who had initially been seen as "hostiles" by a rather naive Kirstin, but this year I've really tried to look past my initial conceptions. Amazingly, my first impressions were proved to be wrong. Because they had different opinions than me I had dismissed them, and that was completely unfair. Both professors are brilliant people in their own way, and I was glad to take the time to acknowledge all they have taught me. Mom (of course) made the most beautiful cards. She's such a talented artist, and I am so blessed to know her!
Once afternoon hit I got into my robes and cap, and we walked over to the school. I got into line with the other theatre majors who were graduating that day (all eight of us) and we wiggled our way into an order. When the procession began the theatre majors all ended up holding hands because we couldn't hold a straight line otherwise (ironically, the dancers marching beside us couldn't keep a straight line and fell behind at least three times). We danced our way beneath the bell tower, jived down the stairs, and passed through the gauntlet of professors cheering us on...and promptly managed to miss our turn. Eventually the college of Performing and Visual Arts was turned in the right direction, and we entered the arena to the sound of Dan Frezza announcing "The Graduates from the school of Performing and Visual Arts." Since Dan is both the husband of one of my favorite professors and the announcer for all of the PVA pre-show messages, it felt rather like coming home to have him do the announcement.
Commencement itself was loooooong. Landon, who beat me out for Student Commencement Speaker, did all right, I suppose. It was very animated and earned a few chuckles, but I like to think I would have done it better (which is likely my own vanity talking). Clayton Christensen gave a really nice address, and I thought his message of asking the right questions was a pertinent one. It really made me think about my studies and if I am asking the right questions of myself. I feel that I am, which makes me feel even better about my choices. I think my favorite part of the ceremony itself (besides moving the tassel over at the end) was the awarding of the honorary degrees. They were such good stories with such good people behind them, and I really want to be worthy of getting an honorary degree some day. And yes, that is officially now on my bucket list.
Saturday we got up early (by my standards) in order to make it to PVA's convocation. The graduates all marched in to the tune of "Swing and Circumstance", and then we all sat on the stage. It was great to watch all of the presentations by the outstanding students for Theatre, Dance, Art, Arts Administration, and Music all presented. We have some really talented people in my graduating class! And then came the important part designed to make proud parents cry: the conferring of the degrees. I was the first student from theatre to be announced. "Kirstin Bone, BIS in Shakespearean Studies." Walking across the stage I shook Dean Mendini's hand and accepted my empty degree case. I felt...effervescent.
After graduation the theatre people all went across the street to the auditorium. We then proceeded to have a rather...epic photoshoot for our graduating class.
Yes, that is us. In a fountain. It was a wonderfully silly way to cap off a wonderful day. My parents, Kinsey, and I then had lunch before I said goodbye to my parents. I'm moving home later this week so I can get ready for the huge move to Alabama, and I am..excited for what waits. Admittedly, I am very sad about no longer having Kinsey as my roommate. I think that, out of everyone I have met here at SUU, she means the most to me. She's practically become a sister to me, and I will miss her so much when I move to Alabama. I have been told repeated times that I can't take her with me since her teacher's certification isn't national yet.
If nothing else, though, I am now an official alumna of SUU, class of 2011. Woo!
Sunday, April 3, 2011
The Ways of Loss
I've been thinking about strange things lately... Things like loss. I suppose it's the strange combination of lost houses, lost babies, and lost freedoms permeating the lives of those I know. It seems like something that is hitting as many people as possible.
One of my cousins miscarried the week before last, and in my own personal writing I've taken on the scenario of "what if one of my characters lost their baby". In some ways it is...masochistic of me. My family is notorious for being either very fertile or having great troubles getting pregnant, and I'm honestly more likely to have inherited the latter. I have the vague concern that having a family will be difficult for me, but I'm oddly comforted by knowing that there are strong women in my life who've gone through it and survived. One of my clearest memories is my mother and grandmother talking about what it was like.... I can't even fathom what my cousin must be going through: she doesn't have a testimony of life after death. I am very grateful for the fact that I have a testimony of the Gospel, and that I know families are meant to be united for time and all eternity. There are many members of my family that I won't get to meet in this life, but I feel they're just another thing to look forward to in the life to come.
This year I've also watched different family members lose their houses. Admittedly, that's one a little to close to home. I've been told over and over again that it isn't the physical place that makes a home but the people inside of it, but... I still worry. I suppose I've paid too much attention to the pyramid of needs, which seems pretty insistent that you need shelter to be a happy-pappy member of society. Luckily, everyone I know who has gone through this particular form of loss has had somewhere to go.
And this week a former friend was recently sentenced in an attempted murder case. It still hasn't quite processed that he went so thoroughly... I don't even know how to describe it. Two years ago he tried to bash two guys' brains out with a hammer, and all I can think about is 'what if he had gone after me?' This friend visited my house a month before the attack, and everything seemed... All right? I had expected that I would have been able to see some change in him or sense the darkness that might drive an individual to those sorts of measures, but there was nothing. I don't understand how someone who had served a mission just the year before could do that. I really don't. I know it's not God's fault--we all make our own decisions and Zach made some truly awful ones. I just feel inept for having been blind to what was going on. Is this supposed to be some sort of warning? Some lesson that I'm missing?
Loss in all its forms is...making an impact on me. I can feel it brush past me, like someone walking too close to me in a tight hallway. Next time is it going to crash into me?
One of my cousins miscarried the week before last, and in my own personal writing I've taken on the scenario of "what if one of my characters lost their baby". In some ways it is...masochistic of me. My family is notorious for being either very fertile or having great troubles getting pregnant, and I'm honestly more likely to have inherited the latter. I have the vague concern that having a family will be difficult for me, but I'm oddly comforted by knowing that there are strong women in my life who've gone through it and survived. One of my clearest memories is my mother and grandmother talking about what it was like.... I can't even fathom what my cousin must be going through: she doesn't have a testimony of life after death. I am very grateful for the fact that I have a testimony of the Gospel, and that I know families are meant to be united for time and all eternity. There are many members of my family that I won't get to meet in this life, but I feel they're just another thing to look forward to in the life to come.
This year I've also watched different family members lose their houses. Admittedly, that's one a little to close to home. I've been told over and over again that it isn't the physical place that makes a home but the people inside of it, but... I still worry. I suppose I've paid too much attention to the pyramid of needs, which seems pretty insistent that you need shelter to be a happy-pappy member of society. Luckily, everyone I know who has gone through this particular form of loss has had somewhere to go.
And this week a former friend was recently sentenced in an attempted murder case. It still hasn't quite processed that he went so thoroughly... I don't even know how to describe it. Two years ago he tried to bash two guys' brains out with a hammer, and all I can think about is 'what if he had gone after me?' This friend visited my house a month before the attack, and everything seemed... All right? I had expected that I would have been able to see some change in him or sense the darkness that might drive an individual to those sorts of measures, but there was nothing. I don't understand how someone who had served a mission just the year before could do that. I really don't. I know it's not God's fault--we all make our own decisions and Zach made some truly awful ones. I just feel inept for having been blind to what was going on. Is this supposed to be some sort of warning? Some lesson that I'm missing?
Loss in all its forms is...making an impact on me. I can feel it brush past me, like someone walking too close to me in a tight hallway. Next time is it going to crash into me?
Monday, March 28, 2011
Awesome news!
So, this is about a week late, but it's still too good to not share! I got a letter from the University of Alabama accepting me to the Hudson Strode Renaissance Studies MA and offering me a nice stipend. I'll start as something of a TA, and then in my second year I'll actually teach two classes a semester. Exciting, right?
I have to decide whether or not I'll accept their offer by April 15th. Technically I'm still waiting to hear back from U of U, but... I dunno, it seems like too good of an offer to pass up. I am admittedly terrified of moving across the country--I'm not entirely sure I'm ready for that kind of move. What if I have a total breakdown or something goes absolutely wrong? I'd be hundreds of miles away and isolated. I won't even have a friend in the same state... Jamie suggested I call the bishop of the ward and have him help me find a place to live. I won't be able to get out there until August, after all, and all of the apartments might be gone if I wait til I get there.
Gah, there are so many intricacies to this! Any advice or helpful tips for moving across the country? Should I accept the offer from the UA?
I have to decide whether or not I'll accept their offer by April 15th. Technically I'm still waiting to hear back from U of U, but... I dunno, it seems like too good of an offer to pass up. I am admittedly terrified of moving across the country--I'm not entirely sure I'm ready for that kind of move. What if I have a total breakdown or something goes absolutely wrong? I'd be hundreds of miles away and isolated. I won't even have a friend in the same state... Jamie suggested I call the bishop of the ward and have him help me find a place to live. I won't be able to get out there until August, after all, and all of the apartments might be gone if I wait til I get there.
Gah, there are so many intricacies to this! Any advice or helpful tips for moving across the country? Should I accept the offer from the UA?
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Graduate School
Since November my life has been caught up with the business of applying to graduate schools and dancing through the various hoops that they have thrown in my path. Money's been tight in my family, so I was only able to apply to three programs: the University of Utah, the University of Alabama, and Brigham Young University.
Brigham Young University was somewhere I had never wanted to go. Growing up I was surrounded by people who didn't particularly care for it (with good reason) and I had never truly been impressed with what I had seen of their programs (or the students who came out of it). Imagine my confusion when I got the very strong impression to apply to their creative writing program. I balked about it at first, but eventually decided that the Lord's will meant more than my opinion of one school. So, I got my creative writing sample together and even got the ecclesiastic endorsement. I could tell that my parents were confused by my decision to apply there, but they understood about following promptings. After all, the family motto seems to be "Going wherever the Lord calls us". Last month I got a letter from them that basically said, "Yeah, we don't want you." My confidence was severely shaken. I'd gotten the prompting to apply there, and then what? A rejection. But I wasn't upset. That was the strange thing. I felt perfectly calm about the situation, and knew that it was for the best. I have since come to think that it was a test of whether or not I would do what the Lord asked of me. I'd gone against all of my preconceptions and desires, and applied to a program I wasn't sure about. I didn't get in, but that's all right. Everything happens for a reason.
At the same time I applied to BYU I also sent in an application to the University of Alabama (Tuscaloosa). A friend at the Ohio Valley Shakespeare Conference had recommended them to me since they had the Hudson Strode Shakespearean Scholar, which seemed like a perfect fit for me. They would pay for me to study at a research library anywhere in the US or the UK (which would mean I could even go to King's College London or the library at Stratford-Upon-Avon). Unfortunately, U of A was particularly poor at communication. I had no idea what they wanted (their website was uninformative), and so submitted what seemed to be the standard fare. I've not heard from them since, even when I sent an email to see if they had received all of my application material. I don't know that I will ever hear back from them.
After I'd heard back from BYU I had another prompting: apply to the University of Utah. Before bothering with that, I sent an email to two of the professors there. I had noticed that their program was focused mainly on the 18th, 19th, and 20th centuries - I'm an early modern student. So, I asked them if there was any room for me in their program. Almost immediately I got emails from both telling me that they were looking for an early modern student, and that I should definitely apply. Feeling bolstered a little, I went through the application process. Since the fee was a one-time thing (a rare thing as far as grad schools go) I applied to both their creative writing and literature programs. I figured it couldn't hurt to try and get into one of them. I honestly don't expect much from the creative writing side - my specialty is play writing, which is not something the U really has the staff for. For my creative writing sample to them I used a revised version of my creative nonfiction piece "And They Call Me a Freak", which is all about my experiences living with ichthyosis. They have four or five faculty members interested in creative nonfiction, so it'll be interesting to see what sort of reaction they have to it. For my critical sample I used "The Forgotten Fool: Geoffrey Chaucer", the essay that took me to the Ohio Valley Shakespeare Conference. I'm hopeful that they will be vastly impressed with my skills wading through the old texts and Middle English translations of Ancient French.
I am really hoping that the U will accept me so I can stay in Utah and get through my master's as quickly as possible. After that I'd like to either get my PhD or an MFA in dramaturgy, which is part of my Master Plan. We'll see if God agrees with that plan.
I just... hope I get accepted into some program. My GPA isn't the greatest in the world (thanks to struggles with PTSD my first two years of school) but my other credentials are rather shiny. Mer... I'm severely conflicted. I'm hopeful that things will work out perfectly, but I can't help but be nervous.
What if nobody wants me?
Brigham Young University was somewhere I had never wanted to go. Growing up I was surrounded by people who didn't particularly care for it (with good reason) and I had never truly been impressed with what I had seen of their programs (or the students who came out of it). Imagine my confusion when I got the very strong impression to apply to their creative writing program. I balked about it at first, but eventually decided that the Lord's will meant more than my opinion of one school. So, I got my creative writing sample together and even got the ecclesiastic endorsement. I could tell that my parents were confused by my decision to apply there, but they understood about following promptings. After all, the family motto seems to be "Going wherever the Lord calls us". Last month I got a letter from them that basically said, "Yeah, we don't want you." My confidence was severely shaken. I'd gotten the prompting to apply there, and then what? A rejection. But I wasn't upset. That was the strange thing. I felt perfectly calm about the situation, and knew that it was for the best. I have since come to think that it was a test of whether or not I would do what the Lord asked of me. I'd gone against all of my preconceptions and desires, and applied to a program I wasn't sure about. I didn't get in, but that's all right. Everything happens for a reason.
At the same time I applied to BYU I also sent in an application to the University of Alabama (Tuscaloosa). A friend at the Ohio Valley Shakespeare Conference had recommended them to me since they had the Hudson Strode Shakespearean Scholar, which seemed like a perfect fit for me. They would pay for me to study at a research library anywhere in the US or the UK (which would mean I could even go to King's College London or the library at Stratford-Upon-Avon). Unfortunately, U of A was particularly poor at communication. I had no idea what they wanted (their website was uninformative), and so submitted what seemed to be the standard fare. I've not heard from them since, even when I sent an email to see if they had received all of my application material. I don't know that I will ever hear back from them.
After I'd heard back from BYU I had another prompting: apply to the University of Utah. Before bothering with that, I sent an email to two of the professors there. I had noticed that their program was focused mainly on the 18th, 19th, and 20th centuries - I'm an early modern student. So, I asked them if there was any room for me in their program. Almost immediately I got emails from both telling me that they were looking for an early modern student, and that I should definitely apply. Feeling bolstered a little, I went through the application process. Since the fee was a one-time thing (a rare thing as far as grad schools go) I applied to both their creative writing and literature programs. I figured it couldn't hurt to try and get into one of them. I honestly don't expect much from the creative writing side - my specialty is play writing, which is not something the U really has the staff for. For my creative writing sample to them I used a revised version of my creative nonfiction piece "And They Call Me a Freak", which is all about my experiences living with ichthyosis. They have four or five faculty members interested in creative nonfiction, so it'll be interesting to see what sort of reaction they have to it. For my critical sample I used "The Forgotten Fool: Geoffrey Chaucer", the essay that took me to the Ohio Valley Shakespeare Conference. I'm hopeful that they will be vastly impressed with my skills wading through the old texts and Middle English translations of Ancient French.
I am really hoping that the U will accept me so I can stay in Utah and get through my master's as quickly as possible. After that I'd like to either get my PhD or an MFA in dramaturgy, which is part of my Master Plan. We'll see if God agrees with that plan.
I just... hope I get accepted into some program. My GPA isn't the greatest in the world (thanks to struggles with PTSD my first two years of school) but my other credentials are rather shiny. Mer... I'm severely conflicted. I'm hopeful that things will work out perfectly, but I can't help but be nervous.
What if nobody wants me?
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
New Design and Lent
First off, I decided that my blog needed a facelift. I think the brighter, softer colors look nifty on it, and it pleases me greatly. :D
Secondly, I am struggling over what to give up for Lent. I know that Lent is a Catholic tradition, but my friends in college and I have been doing it every year for the sake of perspective. In the past I've given up teasing, negativity, and sarcasm--all good choices that have helped me grow and flourish. This year, though, I don't quite know what to do. Jamie is giving up novels and video games while Kinsey is giving up sugar. If anything I'd want to give up doubt, but it feels like much of the same for me. I know that confidence is one of my huge issues and in the coming month I'm going to be hearing back from all of the graduate schools I applied to--that means I will be doubting myself a lot. But having given up negativity and sarcasm before it just doesn't feel like... enough of a challenge, I guess? Kinsey teased me by saying I should give up not getting three meals a day, but that seems like Lent in reverse.
I'm sure I'll figure something out, otherwise I may just have to give up doubt. Heh, wouldn't that be exciting to watch?
Secondly, I am struggling over what to give up for Lent. I know that Lent is a Catholic tradition, but my friends in college and I have been doing it every year for the sake of perspective. In the past I've given up teasing, negativity, and sarcasm--all good choices that have helped me grow and flourish. This year, though, I don't quite know what to do. Jamie is giving up novels and video games while Kinsey is giving up sugar. If anything I'd want to give up doubt, but it feels like much of the same for me. I know that confidence is one of my huge issues and in the coming month I'm going to be hearing back from all of the graduate schools I applied to--that means I will be doubting myself a lot. But having given up negativity and sarcasm before it just doesn't feel like... enough of a challenge, I guess? Kinsey teased me by saying I should give up not getting three meals a day, but that seems like Lent in reverse.
I'm sure I'll figure something out, otherwise I may just have to give up doubt. Heh, wouldn't that be exciting to watch?
Sunday, February 20, 2011
My Fair Befuddlement
There is something interesting about life, and that would be the distinct use of God's daily lessons. Do I always listen? No. Does this lead to problems? Almost every time.
All this week He's been bringing up patience and being patient. I got antsy instead, and nearly did something hurtful to a friend. The fact that I got that big of a lesson in patience makes me think that this isn't just a one situation lesson, but that it's supposed to apply to a much bigger scope. Things usually work that way, after all, and Heavenly Father really does his best to help us succeed. I just.. wish I were certain.
I suppose this is just one of those situations where I have to have faith that everything will go according to Heavenly Father's plan.
All this week He's been bringing up patience and being patient. I got antsy instead, and nearly did something hurtful to a friend. The fact that I got that big of a lesson in patience makes me think that this isn't just a one situation lesson, but that it's supposed to apply to a much bigger scope. Things usually work that way, after all, and Heavenly Father really does his best to help us succeed. I just.. wish I were certain.
I suppose this is just one of those situations where I have to have faith that everything will go according to Heavenly Father's plan.
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