The Ways of Loss

I've been thinking about strange things lately... Things like loss. I suppose it's the strange combination of lost houses, lost babies, and lost freedoms permeating the lives of those I know. It seems like something that is hitting as many people as possible.

One of my cousins miscarried the week before last, and in my own personal writing I've taken on the scenario of "what if one of my characters lost their baby". In some ways it is...masochistic of me. My family is notorious for being either very fertile or having great troubles getting pregnant, and I'm honestly more likely to have inherited the latter. I have the vague concern that having a family will be difficult for me, but I'm oddly comforted by knowing that there are strong women in my life who've gone through it and survived. One of my clearest memories is my mother and grandmother talking about what it was like.... I can't even fathom what my cousin must be going through: she doesn't have a testimony of life after death. I am very grateful for the fact that I have a testimony of the Gospel, and that I know families are meant to be united for time and all eternity. There are many members of my family that I won't get to meet in this life, but I feel they're just another thing to look forward to in the life to come.

This year I've also watched different family members lose their houses. Admittedly, that's one a little to close to home. I've been told over and over again that it isn't the physical place that makes a home but the people inside of it, but... I still worry. I suppose I've paid too much attention to the pyramid of needs, which seems pretty insistent that you need shelter to be a happy-pappy member of society. Luckily, everyone I know who has gone through this particular form of loss has had somewhere to go.

And this week a former friend was recently sentenced in an attempted murder case. It still hasn't quite processed that he went so thoroughly... I don't even know how to describe it. Two years ago he tried to bash two guys' brains out with a hammer, and all I can think about is 'what if he had gone after me?' This friend visited my house a month before the attack, and everything seemed... All right? I had expected that I would have been able to see some change in him or sense the darkness that might drive an individual to those sorts of measures, but there was nothing. I don't understand how someone who had served a mission just the year before could do that. I really don't. I know it's not God's fault--we all make our own decisions and Zach made some truly awful ones. I just feel inept for having been blind to what was going on. Is this supposed to be some sort of warning? Some lesson that I'm missing?

Loss in all its forms is...making an impact on me. I can feel it brush past me, like someone walking too close to me in a tight hallway. Next time is it going to crash into me?

Awesome news!

So, this is about a week late, but it's still too good to not share! I got a letter from the University of Alabama accepting me to the Hudson Strode Renaissance Studies MA and offering me a nice stipend. I'll start as something of a TA, and then in my second year I'll actually teach two classes a semester. Exciting, right?

I have to decide whether or not I'll accept their offer by April 15th. Technically I'm still waiting to hear back from U of U, but... I dunno, it seems like too good of an offer to pass up. I am admittedly terrified of moving across the country--I'm not entirely sure I'm ready for that kind of move. What if I have a total breakdown or something goes absolutely wrong? I'd be hundreds of miles away and isolated. I won't even have a friend in the same state... Jamie suggested I call the bishop of the ward and have him help me find a place to live. I won't be able to get out there until August, after all, and all of the apartments might be gone if I wait til I get there.

Gah, there are so many intricacies to this! Any advice or helpful tips for moving across the country? Should I accept the offer from the UA?

Graduate School

Since November my life has been caught up with the business of applying to graduate schools and dancing through the various hoops that they have thrown in my path. Money's been tight in my family, so I was only able to apply to three programs: the University of Utah, the University of Alabama, and Brigham Young University.

Brigham Young University was somewhere I had never wanted to go. Growing up I was surrounded by people who didn't particularly care for it (with good reason) and I had never truly been impressed with what I had seen of their programs (or the students who came out of it). Imagine my confusion when I got the very strong impression to apply to their creative writing program. I balked about it at first, but eventually decided that the Lord's will meant more than my opinion of one school. So, I got my creative writing sample together and even got the ecclesiastic endorsement. I could tell that my parents were confused by my decision to apply there, but they understood about following promptings. After all, the family motto seems to be "Going wherever the Lord calls us". Last month I got a letter from them that basically said, "Yeah, we don't want you." My confidence was severely shaken. I'd gotten the prompting to apply there, and then what? A rejection. But I wasn't upset. That was the strange thing. I felt perfectly calm about the situation, and knew that it was for the best. I have since come to think that it was a test of whether or not I would do what the Lord asked of me. I'd gone against all of my preconceptions and desires, and applied to a program I wasn't sure about. I didn't get in, but that's all right. Everything happens for a reason.

At the same time I applied to BYU I also sent in an application to the University of Alabama (Tuscaloosa). A friend at the Ohio Valley Shakespeare Conference had recommended them to me since they had the Hudson Strode Shakespearean Scholar, which seemed like a perfect fit for me. They would pay for me to study at a research library anywhere in the US or the UK (which would mean I could even go to King's College London or the library at Stratford-Upon-Avon). Unfortunately, U of A was particularly poor at communication. I had no idea what they wanted (their website was uninformative), and so submitted what seemed to be the standard fare. I've not heard from them since, even when I sent an email to see if they had received all of my application material. I don't know that I will ever hear back from them.

After I'd heard back from BYU I had another prompting: apply to the University of Utah. Before bothering with that, I sent an email to two of the professors there. I had noticed that their program was focused mainly on the 18th, 19th, and 20th centuries - I'm an early modern student. So, I asked them if there was any room for me in their program. Almost immediately I got emails from both telling me that they were looking for an early modern student, and that I should definitely apply. Feeling bolstered a little, I went through the application process. Since the fee was a one-time thing (a rare thing as far as grad schools go) I applied to both their creative writing and literature programs. I figured it couldn't hurt to try and get into one of them. I honestly don't expect much from the creative writing side - my specialty is play writing, which is not something the U really has the staff for. For my creative writing sample to them I used a revised version of my creative nonfiction piece "And They Call Me a Freak", which is all about my experiences living with ichthyosis. They have four or five faculty members interested in creative nonfiction, so it'll be interesting to see what sort of reaction they have to it. For my critical sample I used "The Forgotten Fool: Geoffrey Chaucer", the essay that took me to the Ohio Valley Shakespeare Conference. I'm hopeful that they will be vastly impressed with my skills wading through the old texts and Middle English translations of Ancient French.

I am really hoping that the U will accept me so I can stay in Utah and get through my master's as quickly as possible. After that I'd like to either get my PhD or an MFA in dramaturgy, which is part of my Master Plan. We'll see if God agrees with that plan.

I just... hope I get accepted into some program. My GPA isn't the greatest in the world (thanks to struggles with PTSD my first two years of school) but my other credentials are rather shiny. Mer... I'm severely conflicted. I'm hopeful that things will work out perfectly, but I can't help but be nervous.

What if nobody wants me?

New Design and Lent

First off, I decided that my blog needed a facelift. I think the brighter, softer colors look nifty on it, and it pleases me greatly. :D

Secondly, I am struggling over what to give up for Lent. I know that Lent is a Catholic tradition, but my friends in college and I have been doing it every year for the sake of perspective. In the past I've given up teasing, negativity, and sarcasm--all good choices that have helped me grow and flourish. This year, though, I don't quite know what to do. Jamie is giving up novels and video games while Kinsey is giving up sugar. If anything I'd want to give up doubt, but it feels like much of the same for me. I know that confidence is one of my huge issues and in the coming month I'm going to be hearing back from all of the graduate schools I applied to--that means I will be doubting myself a lot. But having given up negativity and sarcasm before it just doesn't feel like... enough of a challenge, I guess? Kinsey teased me by saying I should give up not getting three meals a day, but that seems like Lent in reverse.

I'm sure I'll figure something out, otherwise I may just have to give up doubt. Heh, wouldn't that be exciting to watch?

My Fair Befuddlement

There is something interesting about life, and that would be the distinct use of God's daily lessons. Do I always listen? No. Does this lead to problems? Almost every time.

All this week He's been bringing up patience and being patient. I got antsy instead, and nearly did something hurtful to a friend. The fact that I got that big of a lesson in patience makes me think that this isn't just a one situation lesson, but that it's supposed to apply to a much bigger scope. Things usually work that way, after all, and Heavenly Father really does his best to help us succeed. I just.. wish I were certain.

I suppose this is just one of those situations where I have to have faith that everything will go according to Heavenly Father's plan.

Cream Soda and Sunshine

Sometimes I am very, very stupid. This seems to have been a problem for part of the new year, and it only just dawned on me. Ironic, huh? I've been letting other people's negativity get me down, and for what? Absolutely nothing! I don't like being sad, I don't like being upset, and I certainly don't like drowning in drama.

I suppose one thing that helped hinder me was that I was looking for things to go wrong. Doing that of course I'd find things to be upset about and of course I'd be miserable. You'd think that after so many times of learning this lesson it'd click once and for all, and I'm hopeful that maybe this time it'll stick.

I've come to appreciate in the past week how blessed I am. No matter what happens to me I still have my loved ones (both friends and family) and my Heavenly Father; as long as I've got them I can make it through anything. This past week I received a rejection letter from one of the universities I applied to for a master's degree... and it didn't hurt. I had expected to be upset and angry, but all I felt was peace. That school was not where I was meant to go, and I am all right with that. Of course, that did not keep my roommate from getting cream soda and chocolate to make me feel better. I certainly didn't mind! It was a good excuse to celebrate the things going right in life, which was a welcome change.

And, you know what, things are going right in my life. I am on track to graduate with my bachelor's this May, I have a steady group of friends who love me no matter how silly I get, and my testimony is stronger than it has ever been. The choices I have made this year have brought me to a good place, and I am confident in myself. It's a little silly, but I feel great about myself. I take time in the morning to get ready (rather than just rolling out of bed and getting dressed), and I even wear makeup with great frequency because I believe I deserve to look good. All of the awful shadows of doubt and self-loathing are leaving, and I always seem to be smiling. God really does answer our prayers, though it is always on His own time schedule.

In other news I may actually have a date. Shock, I know! The way it came about was pretty funny, too, all things told. Kinsey, the roomie, has been bothering me since the second month of school to ask the guy I like out. I had been rather obstinantly refusing on the grounds that everyone had told me he was not at all interested in dating. Finally I got sick of her pestering, and finally said on Saturday night that if dating came up during Sacrament meeting I'd ask him out. We made it all the way through Sacrament meeting without a single peep or hint of dating (instead it was all about prayers and how Heavenly Father answers prayers). At the very last minute the guy I like got up to give the Institute announcements... and the very last thing he said was, "Ladies, need a date? The Institute is hosting a Sadie Hawkins dance..." You can imagine the smirk on Kinsey's face, I'm sure.

True to my word, I asked him to the dance yesterday with the help of a few of my friends. Throughout the day he got four envelopes with sonnets on the outside of them ("Whoso List To Hunt" by Thomas Wyatt, "Sonnet 29" by Shakespeare, "In This Strange Labyrinth" by Lady Mary Wroth, and "Sonnet LVI" by Edmund Spenser). Inside each envelope was a card containing a single word ("You" "Have" "Been" "Tagged") along with scrambled letters of my name and the dance. He apparently had some trouble because he lost one of the letters, but eventually it all worked out. Supposedly I get my answer within the next day, and here's hoping it's a yes!

I must say, though, that I feel rather conspired against. It seems as if my mother and Kinsey have a higher power on their side.

What do I do?

I have a problem, and I do not know how to solve it. People have never been a particular strong point of mine, especially when they are very ...vengeful.

Over a year ago I was part of SUU's production of Our Town. One of the hair girls gave me an awful time when I came in for a make-up fitting - she said a number of unflattering things about my skin. I decided to handle the situation by explaining about my skin to her and then never letting her be the one to do my hair. You can imagine how glad I was when the show was over because I thought I would not have to deal with her.

Unfortunately, I was wrong.

She's in two of my classes this semester, and it's clear she hasn't forgotten either. In both of our classes she seems to take any chance to glare at me across the room, and sneers any time I try to offer a comment to the class. I could've taken that, but she decided to take it further. Walking out of math the other day she began telling her friends about how annoying the know-it-alls in her English class were and how the ones on the front row were the absolute worst. I happen to be in her English class...and I'm one of the only ones at the front that ever says anything.

How am I supposed to handle someone who seems so intent on being vindictive towards me? She knew I was walking behind them - we made eye contact right before she cut in front of me. I would try a direct confrontation, but I honestly don't think that would work. She seems to be set on being vindictive towards me, and I hate it.

What do I do?