You know, for as long as I can remember I have always been a loner by nature. I have only ever had one or two main friends at a given time, and whenever I've had more than that things... just tend to go badly. More importantly, though, I have always felt as if I have never needed someone else to stick up for me. Nothing (in my mind) could match the sharpness of my own tongue, and no one knew quite enough to save me from the "monsters" of the world--except myself, of course.
And then this semester hit.
It started off with quite the assignment from my Directing II professor, Anthony. He wanted us to tell him "This is my theatre. This is what I have to say." in five to ten minutes--beyond that he gave us no real idea of what the assignment was supposed to be. Since I'm such a loner, it took me maybe half an hour to decide that I could do the project all by myself, which would eliminate the need to rely on other actors. Without quite realizing it I decided to do something.. very personal: Richard III's opening monologue (from Shakespeare's
Richard III) and a piece of my own crafting, "And They Call Me A Freak". When I practiced this particular piece it was like clockwork--I did not have to do much by way of emotion and did not feel even the slightest inclination towards crying.
The day dawned when we were to present our pieces, and I was still confident that I would be able to do mine without really having to invest in it emotionally. Everything was fine right up until I had cleared my stage and turned to look at my audience. I realized in that moment that I was exposing a part of my soul that I had not really showed them before, and... these people were not ones that I trusted on any particular level. In fact, for the most part I had gotten along very well drifting at the edges of their awareness and suddenly I was putting myself, and my personal demons, front and center. The ensuing performance was more emotional than I can ever truly explain. Pain, anger, fear, and a myriad of emotions all came to a boiling point together, and I let slip more of myself than I think I have ever shown to anyone in a five minute period.
It taught me something, though. Though these people were strangers, I was able to share my soul with them because that is what I want to do with my theatre. I want people to see that there is a beauty that exists beyond the mortal facade, and I want them to know that truth exists in pain just as it exists in joy. Oddly, now that I have been so frank with them, I've noticed that my life, my perceptions of the world and the people in it, are changing.
Today... I had a genuinely strange dream. For one reason I was at the mall with one of the girls from my Directing II class (one I've known since my first semester here but have never been close to). She wanted to stop in a shop with someone else that was there with us, and I told them I was just going to window shop a little further down the way. Well, I noticed a beautiful costume shop and decided to go in--I did not intend to be more than a moment or two. Once inside I explored a little, and suddenly this guy told me I had no right to be in the store. That beasts were not allowed near such fine things. Long story short, I got chased out of the store. But the people did not stop there. The next thing I knew I was surrounded by people telling me that I had no right to live and that monsters should be killed... I tried to tell them that I was a human being just like them, but they would not listen. One of them hit me, and soon I was on the ground just... sobbing my little heart out. And then the strangest thing happened. Suddenly my classmate broke through the circle and told the people around me that they were the monsters.
At first I was just... disturbed by this dream. Usually when I go out to defend myself people are either stunned that I am capable of intelligent thought or are absolutely frightened of me, but it did not work... And then I realized something more miraculous: I was able to accept the help that someone offered me. It might have just been a dream, certainly, but I believe it is more than that.
I think, for the first time in my life, I am at a point where I do not have to always defend myself. I can step back and let other people fight the real monsters in my world and not feel upset about it. This is such a weird place that I simply do not know how to handle it, but I think it's a good thing.
And to all of you who have wanted to stand up for me... Thanks. And to those who have stood up for me? You mean more than I have ever bothered to say. Thank you. Hopefully I can become someone worthy of your help and friendship.
