Wednesday, December 23, 2009

The End of the Year

I was sitting, just staring at my computer screen, trying to decide what it was I could possibly write about. With work eating my days, I have not gotten up to very much lately, and so I thought I had nothing to say. And then I realized that it was the end of the year--I should have quite a lot to say.

This year has been... one of the most difficult and rewarding that I have ever been through. So, I decided to share with you all a few things to summarize my year and what I've gained from it.




The year started out with, as always, going to school. One day, though, my roommate Beth and I went to Zion's National Park. This particular image is from scaling up a snowy, zig-zagging path. I got a few pictures during the trip, but this one is my favorite because it is my proof that there can be life even when you're up to your calves in snow.

That month was also fun because Beth and I went on another adventure to Provo for the "Life, The Universe, and Everything" Science Fiction and Fantasy Symposium held at BYU. It was great to listen to writers like Brandon Sanderson, David Farland, and Tracy Hickman talk about their craft. I learned a great deal about writing on the whole, and also about the things I've been managing to do right. It was also great because I was able to get a book signed by Tracy Hickman for Uncle Brent--ironically, it was the book with his favorite character, which the copy he had was stolen many years ago. That conference was great for realizing a number of things--like I am not as crazy as I think I am, becoming published is possible, and that characters in books can have a real influence on those that read about them. After all, Tracy Hickman told of a young soldier who had admired the attributes of a character so much that he applied it while he was in Iraq. The young man was wounded, but from where he fell he could see an attack that none of his battalion knew of. Thinking of how his favorite character, Sturm, had been the only one to defend a castle under attack, the soldier got up and warned his battalion of the attack. The move caused such extensive damage that the soldier became wheelchair bound, but his entire battalion made it out alive.

March continued the excitement: Spring Break! Our original plans were to spend most of our time in St. George and forray off into Las Vegas once or twice. The major problem with that plan was that Beth, our roomie who lived in St. George, had to work during the middle of the week. So, on a whim, Kinsey and I decided to just... keep driving past Las Vegas. We ended up spending the three days Beth worked in California, and it was wonderful. Every night we'd watch the Disneyland Fireworks (since we were too cheap to actually go to the park), and during the day we went to the beach. It was... fantastic. Somehow the spontaniousness of the trip just helped clear my mind, and the rest of the semester went wonderfully.

April was riddled with finals and auditions. That's when I got the surprise of being cast in the main stage production of "Our Town". Main stage had never paid my any attention, so I was surprised to be cast as Mrs. Soames, who is a rather fun character role. And yes, I did survive my finals. It was also Easter, which the roomies celebrated by making a basket for ourselves. Part of that included the newest cd by Blue October, and just to share I figured I would post one of my favorite songs from it, "My Never".



May... Ah, May. That was an adventure, of sorts. Going back to Salt Lake was... stressful, in its way. After all of the mess with Phillip I had become... afraid of going back to my parent's house. The state, however, helped ease my fears by taking Phillip into custody and putting him in the state mental hospital. It was strange, but going home for the summer was the first time I had felt safe there in six years... It was very strange. I don't think I could ever explain it in a way that would make sense to anyone who had not lived through the horror, but it was liberating. May also meant my return to work at the movie theatre, which was fun. Almost my entire summer was spent either working or seeing movies (Dad really enjoyed "Up"). However, I did manage to spend a little time working on my books. One fun project I took care of was fiddling with character fashion design.



It was the first time I had tried coloring on the computer, and it was definitely fun. I am still ridiculously pleased with the result, but I've yet to dare doing another.

August was perhaps one of the hardest months. Right at the beginning, just a scant two weeks before going back to school, I had a benign lump removed from my chest. It had been doing crazy things--like going from being a centimeter wide to an inch wide in a week--and the doctor wanted to just keep me from stressing too badly. I was... terrified. I had never gone in for surgery before, and the thought of something going wrong in my body had the strangest taste of betrayal. Once it was over, though, I made a quick recovery--if one ignores how awful it was to take the bandages off. I made it to school all right, even if I couldn't do any hard lifting for two months (which also meant I couldn't do the stage combat class).

September was rather disappointing when compared to the excitement of the months before. I simply went to classes, and started a bit of a war with one of my professors. She was under the impression that I was of lesser intelligence because of my theatre major--once upon a time some theatre majors treated her badly when she was going to school--and I quickly lost motivation in her class. There were so many things I wanted to discuss, but every time I tried to bring up something fun I was immediately told that I was wrong. But, I found salvation in my directing and Shakespearean acting classes. The professors expected me to do my best, and taught me more about my craft than I thought I could manage in one year.

And I can barely remember October. I would go to classes during the day, and then I would spend almost every single night at rehearsal. It was an exciting process, though, because working on "Our Town" made me a great deal of new friends. Lisa, who played Mrs. Gibbs, was an especially great find. She is one woman I expect to see reach the stars, and she's the sort of person I would be happy to go that far. October also meant my first successful college party--we had a bunch of friends over to watch the original "Frankenstein" and had an absolute blast. Afterwards I practically passed out from laughing too much, and my stomach was still hurting the next day. I was shocked enough that people agreed to come over, let alone that they had so much fun that they insisted we party again soon (which we did). And then we hit crunch week: tech for "Our Town". It was the best tech week I had ever been through. All of the rehearsals went very smoothly, and the directors made certain to get everyone out as quickly as possible.

Oh, November was fun, though! I started off the month with my directing project preview--"The Universal Language" with the wonderful Joel Johnson and Laura Grow as my actors. It went wonderfully, which was a great lead-in to the opening of "Our Town". The show went great, and I was rather sad to see it go, if only because of the people I would miss. And then I turned 21! Ironically, my birthday passed almost entirely without recognition. Here and there people wished me happiness, but I didn't get a single rendition of "Happy Birthday" the entire day. In many ways it was nice--I am rather phobic of my birthday--but I oddly missed that one little song. But, it was great to realize I had survived another year. Thanksgiving was a wonderful opportunity to see all of the family I had been missing. It was also a great chance to get my last breath before finals. Once I got back to school it was all work, work, work.

My final directing project went fantastically--the class loved it and I survived it. Then I managed to get my ten page paper done, and I even managed to squeak out of my awful English class with a B. Finals ended in a whoosh, and suddenly I found myself back in Salt Lake City.

It's amazing to think of everything I've done over the past year; most of these things are just the rough highlights of what I've been through. I've learned so much, too. Just because I'm an easy-going, sometimes boring person doesn't make me any less valuable--it just means I am different. I've also learned that friends are people who are able to tell you "no" when need be, but are also there to love you even when the world seems like it's ending (usually only in your mind). And, best of all, that other people are most capable of seeing how wonderful we really are. I've been so busy trying to be better that it took other people telling me how far I've come to notice it, and how grateful I am for them! If not for my wonderful friends, professors, and family I would certainly not be so happy or aware of the great things I have done.

Ultimately, the past is passed, and all we can do is use it as a platform to jump into the future. If we're always staring backwards, hemming and hawing over what's happened, we'll always trip over what is coming in the future. And, believe you me, I intend to jump into the future with my whole heart. I've only got so much time on this Earth, and I want to make the best of it. Other people can be the ones with empty dreams--I'll be the girl that succeeds.

I love you all, and thank you for everything you've done for me. All of the pain, all of the joy, and all of the laughter have been worth every moment. God bless you.

Friday, December 11, 2009

My English 4320

I'm so ridiculously proud of this paper (even if it's not perfect and the professor gave me lots of guff), so I figured I would share it. :D


Shattered Glass:
The "Ideal-I" in Shakespeare


Mirrors are everywhere in modern society -- it is nearly impossible to avoid them for even a day. Every day people look into mirrors to do their hair, check their teeth, see if they are getting fat, flex their muscles, put in their contacts, debate whether their good looks compare to what is on the latest magazine covers, and a million other things. Inside of a single sheet of glass or metal (depending on the mirror’s make) people impose a myriad of ideas of hopes and dreams and lies -- things that would not exist if not for the expectations of the contemporary society. In modern theatre many characters will reflect this present-day habit by looking in a mirror and telling us what they see; but, in William Shakespeare's time mirrors were too expensive for his characters to do such a thing unless they were a king or vastly wealthy (Hadsund). Instead of using this modern convention, Shakespeare gave us a different mirror through which to view his characters: soliloquies. Whether it is Shylock telling us why he hates Antonio, Macbeth displaying traits of having entered a dissociative state before Duncan's murder, or Edmund railing against his fate as a bastard, we get it all through these speeches, which act as a reflection of the character's mind. The true genius comes, though, when Shakespeare breaks this convention with a character who is aware that he is being watched: Iago from Othello. Our expectations are broken as Iago manipulates what we see and feel, and the looking-glass is shattered.

In Jacques Lacan's "The Mirror Stage" the idea of a person placing their concept of perfection within the constraints of a mirror is first presented. This "ideal-I" is the romanticized goal that all people strive for, even if the reflection will forever be opposite of what they are and nigh upon impossible to obtain. Expression of the striving for this perfect self is often found in the way the life of the person is shaped -- their dreams, disappointments, and beliefs (1-7). In theatre it is difficult for this "ideal-I" to manifest in a form that is easy for the audience to accept, unless one looks through the window proffered by the words spoken by the characters. Shakespeare knew that his characters had to express themselves through their various speeches, and used this to his advantage. He expressed their ideals and disappointments through their reactions to situations, people, and internal realizations by removing everyone else from the stage and letting the character address their inner turmoil aloud so the audience could take part in the mental and emotional journey made throughout the course of the play.

An interesting example of this particular form of genius is found in The Merchant of Venice in Act I, scene iii when Shylock the Jew gives an aside to the audience that acts as a soliloquy. By this point in the play we have learned very little about Shylock and his feelings towards the other inhabitants of Venice, but in this particular speech he unfolds not only his sentiments towards Antonio but also towards Christians and Jews alike. Our first hint that Shylock is displeased with having to deal with Antonio is the way that Shakespeare wrote the piece rhythmically. "I hate him for he is a Christian" (43) is a particularly interesting line in that it ends femininely (without the last syllable being emphasized as it usually is in iambic pentameter), which signifies that the actor is supposed to connect the thought with the next line (Sham). The emotion continues to build as the usual iambic rhythm is broken with a distinct lack of feet in the ending line of "if I forgive him", which gives a clipped, uneasy feeling that tells the audience (subconsciously) that he truly would rather place a curse on his beloved nation than ever truly forgive Antonio (53). Textual content found in the soliloquy also tells us a great deal about Shylock's mental state as he speaks to the audience. Shylock uses an interesting combination of Christian imagery--"a fawning publican" (42)--and exclusive language to reflect a great sense of Antonio being part of an antagonistic other that he wishes to wound in the name of Judaism. He is brutally honest in his reasoning: Antonio is awful in his mind because of his religious beliefs, his driving down the interest rates the Jews can charge, and for his slandering of Shylock in front of his colleagues. Audiences often miss the depth of the Jew in favor of finding someone within the play to hate, even though the truth is plainly found within what he tells his mirror, the audience (Delahoyde).

Lord Macbeth is another character that Shakespeare wrote soliloquies for so that the audience could understand the mental state his character was in. Right before the murder of King Duncan in Act II Macbeth gives the famous "is this a dagger I see before me" speech, which gives us a glimpse into the mind of the would-be killer (i.33-64). Majorie Garber says that this particular soliloquy is where Macbeth realizes that the fantasy he had created of the murder is about to merge with reality. "He tries to avoid the word [murder], to avoid putting a verb to the noun, an action to the idea" (708). As Macbeth struggles with the idea of committing the murder and being unwilling to actually put a word to it, his own indecision is reflected. He hems and haws over "murder" and in turn shows the audience that he's not really certain he can imagine the act, let alone go through with it. In many ways this speech also reflects a descent into one of the dissociative disorders known as Depersonalization, which is defined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition as being "a feeling of detachment or estrangement from one’s self" (American Psychiatric Association). The Depersonalized state is one thought to be triggered by high level anxiety in moment of great peril or duress in order to detach emotions that would be harmful to their mental state. At the Life, The Universe, and Everything Conference in 2009, though, Dr. Allan V. Roe, a prison psychologist for the state of Utah, presented research on how murderers often enter a Depersonalized state in order to commit the murder without feeling any particular emotional attachment to the situation, emotions that will later manifest (sometimes as soon as directly after the murder). These traits manifest in the extra feet and feminine endings that riddle the speech--such as "the handle toward my hand? Come, let me clutch thee" (34). Macbeth is clearly under great duress and tells the audience how numb he has become by saying, "To know my deed, 'twere best not know myself" (II.ii.73). He is at such a loss that he is suffering from “a failure to be able to speak, to finish a thought” (Garber 710).

Later in Macbeth (in Act V, scene v) we are given another insightful soliloquy in which Lord Macbeth conveys his mental state to the audience. It is right after he had learned that his wife has apparently died, and the Thane of Cawdor has come to reject the world in which he lives. “She should have died hereafter” (17) is the first clue that his emotional state is not what it should be; not only is the line one that ends on the off-beat in a feminine ending, but it is also a foot-and-a-half short of what it should be. To an actor this would cue that he is supposed to build emotion and tension as his audience is made uncomfortable by the break in the rhythm that they have become accustomed to, and it also tells the reader just how far removed he has become from reality. This becomes more evident as we realize that his “'tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,' is a rejection of time, a rejection of history, and of the learning experience of either life or art” that leaves him embittered towards the world he had once been so content to claim his place in (Garber 722). Ironically, before the "tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow" speech and Lady Macbeth's death is revealed, Macbeth tells the audience that he has realized how hollow his existence has become.

I have lived long enough. My way of life
Is fall'n into the sere, the yellow leaf,
And that which should accompany old age,
As honor, love, obedience, troops of friends,
I must not look to have. (iii.21-26)


At this point Macbeth's inner solider longs for nothing more than the simple pleasures of good company and honor -- things that have been denied him because of his overreaching the bounds of his place (Garber 722). By breaking the natural order, he has shattered his connection to the real world and become a numb, merciless shadow of the man he once was. Thus, when he finally reaches the point where his wife is dead he cannot bring himself to be overly emotional -- there is no capacity for deep feeling left. He has even “almost forgot the taste of fears” (V.v.9). The man has been devoured by the crime as the audience bears witness through the mirror of the soliloquy.

The textual reflections continue in King Lear as Edmund, the illegitimate son of the Duke of Gloucester, diatribes against the social and political limitations that come with his bastardy. In this soliloquy found in the first act he asks,

Wherefore should I
Stand in the plague of custom, and permit
The curiosity of nations to deprive me,
For that I am some twelve or fourteen moon-shines
Lag of a brother? Why bastard? wherefore base? (I.ii.2-6)


Edmund is not only telling his mirror that he was born a bastard, but is also explaining to the audience why he feels he is mistreated. He goes on to explain that his "heart is as true / as honest madam's issue" and yet he is considered to be lesser since he was born of passion instead of duty (7-15). "Like Iago in Othello, the evil characters in King Lear are notable for rationality ... rationality in an evil character is opposed to credulity in a more sympathetic one" (Wells 267-8). There is, however, a difference between Iago and Edmund: the later is always honest in his soliloquies. The bastard tells us how he feels, why he feels that way, and what he is going to do about it. "Legitimate Edgar, I must have your land" plainly tells the audience that he is out to destroy his brother for the sake of gaining what society and law have denied him (16). At this time, illegitimate children were not allowed to enter a church or inherit property (Pearson 226), and it is easy to imagine that Edmund would be constantly reminded of his place in the world because of such things. “Stripped of any and all rights and burning with a sense of injustice” it makes sense that any of the Shakespearean bastards would rebel against the conventions of their society and the stigma that taints their entire lives (O'Neil), let alone one as impassioned and active as Edmund.

His speech and outrage immediately come to fruition, as Edmund told us it would, when he deceives the Duke of Gloucester through a letter into thinking that Edgar is intending to kill his father. The letter acts as a proof that Edgar should be stripped of his rights and Edmund should inherit instead (30-127). This "closely resembles Iago's equally deceiving 'occular proof' in Othello -- evidence, in fact, of nothing at all" (Garber 657). The audience cannot help but see this coming; Edmund plainly lays out his intentions and carries them out, just as Lord and Lady Macbeth draw out their plans for the audience through their conversation.

But Edmund and Macbeth are nothing when compared to Iago.

In Othello we are presented with a series of dichotomy, the greatest of which is the conflict between the darkness and the light, truth and lie (Garber 590-2). Iago, as a character, acts as the ultimate reflection of this binary by being a definite opposite of Shakespeare's other characters. Where other characters are candid in their soliloquies, "the dishonest Iago (insincere, deceitful, lacking in candor and public spirit) is labeled 'honest' over and over again in line after line [of the play]" but his words never ring true.(Garber 593). He gives us hollow reasons that never seem to be quite enough to go to such lengths--he thinks Othello has slept with his wife but "for mere suspicion in that kind, will do as if for surety" (I.iii.395-6) and “seems to bring up so many spurious motives that they cancel each other out” --such as Cassio’s being appointed Othello’s lieutenant instead of him, Othello’s race, the aforementioned alleged affair, his own feelings for Desdemona, Cassio’s supposed affair with his wife, and the simplistic thrill of the game (Delahoyde).

As a person, he is perpetually surrounded by darkness both literal and figurative. “Iago pretends to be a light-bringing, providing order and clarity, although he is in fact the source of chaos... Iago brings light in order to enforce darkness” (Garber 592). The audience gets a taste of this when he explains the tangle of emotions at work within the play.

That Cassio loves her, I do well believe it;
That she loves him ‘tis apt and of great credit:
The Moor ... he’ll prove to Desdemona
A most dear husband. Now, I do love her, too. (II.i.295-300)


At first this seems to be enlightening -- perhaps the entire tangle stems from three men loving one woman -- but then a closer look is taken. Because everyone else is in love with Desdemona Iago would like us to believe that he too has fallen victim to her charms and good looks. After all, loving her is yet another excuse for bringing about the downfall of all those around him. But wait, he loves her and wants use that as an excuse for getting her killed? It is Iago’s way of twisting the situation to his advantage and further confusing his audience so the truth is hidden within a myriad of lies. Interestingly enough, his words on loving Desdemona are immediately followed by his suspicions concerning who his wife has slept with.

The mirror is truly broken, though, with the conspiracy itself. By telling the audience of his plans throughout his soliloquies, "Iago has made [the audience] his unwitting and unwilling co-conspirators, presuming on [their] silence" (Garber 615). But Iago does more than let the audience in on his dark machinations. Through his soliloquies he twists the perceptions of the people watching the play until the looking-glass becomes broken; instead of reflecting truth, the mirror brings the audience into the tangle of lies that Iago has created specifically for them.

Every time Iago has the chance to, he addressed the audience and seems to pull them in to his devious plots as if they were on stage and he were whispering it into their ears (as if they were Roderigo). In Act III, scene iii, Iago is particularly prone to manipulating his watchers. He says, "the Moor already changes with my poison" and seems to laugh as explains just how he's been manipulating Othello (325). But Othello is not the only one who has been played upon: the spectators are also Iago’s victim. "I did say so" he exclaims, reminding the audience that he is the one in control of the entire situation, even what the playgoers are feeling and thinking as they watch the events unfold (329). Even the audience begins to change with Iago’s particular brand of verbal poison.

Many stories are told of audience members in the theatre over the centuries who have risen from their seats and shouted the truth at an unhearing Othello, that Desdemona is chaste, that Iago is his enemy, not his friend. But the play is cunningly constructed to keep us out of earshot unable to insist, like the Duke and Senators in the third scene of the play, that what Othello sees is a “pageant” to keep him in “false gaze”. Until the last act, no one on the stage--except Iago--knows that the audience in the theatre knows. (Garber 603)

And therein lies Iago’s genius. He knows that the audience is his ultimate victim, and in the end denies them what they most desire to know: what he thinks after he has been caught. Through the entire play he has trained them to expect his soliloquies and asides, knowing full well that the watchers are hanging on his every word. At the end of the play he breaks the glass by saying as much to the audience as to Othello, “demand me nothing: what you know, you know: from this time forth I never will speak word” (V.ii.303) One can practically hear him smirking within the words.

Whether it is the character’s honest ideals, as we see with Edmund, or Iago’s twisted plotting revealed within the mirrorlike soliloquies, Lacan’s “The Mirror Stage” provides an interesting insight to the minds of Shakespeare’s characters. Opportunities abound to see this particular element in action, but it is especially evident within King Lear, Macbeth and The Merchant of Venice. Shylock shows the careful reader that he is more than a hateful Jew: he is a man attempting to defend his religious beliefs and his reputation against a spiteful gentile who has caused him great harm. It also reveals that he values his religion above all things, which later explains why his daughter (who breaks the laws of Judaism) is not valued as highly as the audience expects. Macbeth reveals his mental instabilities even before the madness fully takes him by dancing around the word “murder” even when he is the only character on stage to hear such an utterance. Later his mirror also reveals his removal from the world, and that he is dead long before Macduff decapitates him. Edmund rants against his being born outside of wedlock and the condemnation that comes with his father’s sin, and he paints a clear picture of his intentions before swiftly acting on them. He wants to change the unfair expectations of his world, and makes it painfully clear to his reflection that nothing will stop him short of death. In these characters it is easy to see that the soliloquy does what no other theatre convention could: allows the audience to enter the character’s mind and come to a better understanding of their dreams, motivations, and beliefs.

Shakespeare’s genius, however, goes beyond simply letting the viewer or reader into the mind of his characters. He set up a convention of expectation -- the character is truthful within the confines of the soliloquy or soliloquizing aside and thus reveals their true nature to any who witness these speeches -- and then willfully broke it in Iago. As a playwright, William Shakespeare shakes his audience and smashes the established mirror in order to bring the greatest emotional response from the viewer; and, this is only done once in the entirety of the Shakespearean texts.

Iago makes the audience more than simple watchers: through their silence they become unwilling participants in his twisted plans. And then there was nothing. Iago not only manipulated the spectators into being part of his machinations, but he also twisted their perceptions and expectations until they became like Othello. The Moor is reflected in the audience as Iago’s silence eats at them and the peaks of frustration are felt. Why Iago truly drove Othello to murder Desdemona the audience will never know -- when the mirror was broken with his refusal to say another word all communication became impossible. It is impossible to collect anything from the shattered pieces of his mirror at the end of the play except cut hands and a bleeding heart.



Works Cited

American Psychiatric Association (1994). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (4th ed.). Washington DC: Author. Print.



Delahoyde, Michael. "Shakespeare." 16 Nov. 2009. Washington State University. Web. 14 Nov. 2009.



Foà, Ruben. “The Ghetto”. Jewish Ghetto of Venice. 2000. Web. 1 Sept 2009.



Garber, Marjorie. Shakespeare After All. NY: Pantheon Books, 2004. Print.



Hadsund, Per. "The Tin-Mercury Mirror: Its Manufacturing Technique and Deterioration Processes". Studies in Conservation, Vol. 38, No. 1 (Feb., 1993), pp. 3-16. Web. 8 Dec. 2009.



Hunter, Lynette, and Peter Lichtenfels. Shakespeare, Language, and the Stage: The Fifth Wall, approaches to Shakespeare from criticism, performance, and theatre studies. Kent: The Arden Shakespeare, 2005. Print.



“King Lear.” William Shakespeare. Shakespeare: The Complete Works. Ed. G. B. Harrison. New York: Harcout Brace Jovanich, Inc., 1968. 9 Dec 2009.



Lacan, Jacques. "The Mirror Stage." Écrits: A Selection, trans. Alan Sheridan

(New York: W.W. Norton, 1977), pp. 1-7. Print.



“Macbeth”. William Shakespeare. Shakespeare: The Complete Works. Ed. G. B. Harrison. New York: Harcout Brace Jovanich, Inc., 1968. 1 Dec. 2009.

“Merchant of Venice”. William Shakespeare. Shakespeare: The Complete Works. Ed. G. B. Harrison. New York: Harcout Brace Jovanich, Inc., 1968. 18 Nov. 2009.

O'Neil, Colleen. “Deformity and Illegitimacy in Shakespeare's Plays”. Associated Content, 23 June 2006. Web. October 19, 2009.



“Othello”. William Shakespeare. Shakespeare: The Complete Works. Ed. G. B. Harrison. New York: Harcout Brace Jovanich, Inc., 1968. 1 Dec. 2009.



Pearson, Lu Emily. Elizabethans at Home. Stanford: Stanford UP, 1987. 29 Sept 2009.



Roberts, David. “Shakespeare, Theater Criticism, and the Acting Tradition”. Shakespeare Quarterly, Volume 53, Number 3 (Fall 2002) pp. 341-361. Web. 20 Nov. 2009.



Roe, Allan V. "Prison Phycology." Life, the Universe, and Everything Conference: The Marion K. "Doc" Smith Symposium on Science Fiction and Fantasy. Brigham Young University, Provo. 21 Feb. 2009. Lecture.



Ryan, John Augustine. "Illegitimacy." The Catholic Encyclopedia. Vol. 7. New York: Robert Appleton Company, 1910. Web. 19 Oct. 2009.

Sham, Peter. "Shakespearean Language." College of Performing and Visual Arts. Southern Utah University, Cedar City. 1 Oct. 2009. Lecture.



Wells, Stanley. Shakespeare: A Life in Drama. NY: W.W. Norton and Co., 1997. Print.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Random Notes To Myself

**thieves are bad**

Hamlet
Makes more sense with Hamlet being female (aka has more feminine mindset)

Julius Caesar genderbent = Lysistrata?
Contrast of make war not love versus make love not war
Male versus female perspective?

Timon of Athens = Shopaholic
Modern audience can't handle bad economic ending

MacBeth is about silence?
"Sound and fury signifying nothing"

Romeo & Juliet
Love before honor?
Compare to MacBeth?

Portia ~ Julius Caesar
Ophelia Syndrome?

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Living

Working on "Our Town" has lead to me doing quite a bit of thinking about... life in general. At one point Emily, the somewhat annoying main female, asks if people ever really live every single moment of their lives. The Stage Manager tells her that the saints and poets might occasionally, but that no one really does. Isn't that an interesting thought?

Have you ever just spent a day, or even an hour, watching the people around you? It's amazing how much time we spend looking without really seeing. I mean, I've seen friends pass each other on the sidewalk without so much as a "hey, how's it going?" slipping past their lips. Most of the time they did not even notice their friend because they were just... too busy.

Recently, with my life being chaotic I haven't given life the value that I should. I've taken it for granted that I was going to wake up the next day, and that I would have time to do the important things that I always seem to be putting off. But do I really have time? I mean, life is just such a fragile thing that it could be gone before I know it. That's why I've resolved to, even if it is in a boring and easy-going way, enjoy each day as much as possible. I'm going to try to not nitpick about things that are out of my control, and I'm going to try to say only the best of things. After all, did not a wise, loppy-eared sage once say that "if you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all"? Ah, the golden things in the world.

But here's my challenge to you: live. See the world around you, take time to smile, enjoy the fall leaves (if you have them), and really see the people around you. Don't get so busy searching for tomorrow that you loose today.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Busy busy busy

Well, life is certainly keeping me on my toes. Between Shakespeare Acting Styles, Shakespeare in English, Directing I, and "Our Town" I can't seem to find a spare minute to take a breath. Just this week alone I get to write a paper for my midterms and get to work directing my final play and doing rehearsals.

But, it's tons of fun! I forgot how enjoyable doing a play is, and I think "Our Town" is going to do fantastically. Christine Frezza, the director, has given it a twist that has made it a lot less grim and far more enjoyable (at least for me). My character, Mrs. Soames, even got an upgrade, and she's far more interesting than just your average busybody. If you're interested in seeing it, we open on November 5th at the SUU auditorium. We run that weekend, and then Thurs-Sun of the next week. Means I get to turn 21 while doing the play, which should be... interesting.

As for my paper... Well, I'm not certain what I'm going to write it on. I was tempted to do the importance of language in understanding Shakespeare, but I don't think making my professor angry would be a very good idea.

My play should go well. After I've met with my actors I will give you more information as far as that goes, but it'll be an experience!

Anyway, I should run off and work on all the things I've got to do. Loves to you all!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Shakespeare Divided

So I've come to a conclusion: people don't understand Shakespeare.

Oh, I know a lot of people say that they don't understand Shakespeare, but I think the problem is a lot wider spread than anyone has realized. How did I come to this conclusion? Well, as a Shakespeare major I have to take all kinds of interesting Shakespearean classes from both the English and Theatre departments here at SUU. In the course of this, though, I've realized that many of the people I work with believe that the Bard belongs either to just the English department or just the Theatre department. How screwed up is that?

My favorite part of my major is how integrated the two aspects of Shakespeare have become. In one class I read certain plays, talk about them, and write papers on them. In the other I perform and watch Shakespeare. To me, the line between the two sides has become blurred almost past recognition, and it frustrates me that no one else seems to see how silly it is to have them parted.

Since I got yelled at today by one of my professors about my ideas of integration, I'm simply not going to bother with trying to help SUU make the Bard whole again. They can turn out English majors who know nothing about how to speak Shakespeare for all I care. When I'm a professor, though, I intend to teach a class about Shakespeare. Not Shakespeare from an English perspective, not Shakespeare from a Theatre perspective.

Just Shakespeare.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Gnocchi and Gorgeous

So, tonight was fun. After family home evening, Jamie, Kinsey, and I decided to do a G Double Header of the Jackie Chan movie "Gorgeous" and Gnocchi Soup. Talk about an absolutely wonderful night! We got to laugh and eat amazing tasting potato dumplings, not to mention I gained a new appreciation of the interesting realm of Chinese humor.

If you feel inclined, I've included the recipe for Gnocchi soup (the Kirstin variation). Have fun!

Saute in soup pan:
2 T fresh, chopped onions
2 T oil

Add:
1 quart chicken broth (can be watered down if you like)
2 cups thinly sliced carrots
1/2 t lemon juice
Italian seasoning to taste

Bring to a boil, let boil for 3-4 minutes (to soften carrots)

Add:
1 Package Gnocchi (approx. 3 cups)
Pre-cooked chicken (anywhere from 1/2 - 2 cups)

Boil until the Gnocchi float to the top, which should take 2-3 minutes. Then you dish it into a bowl, curl up with a good movie, and enjoy!

~~As a side note, yes I did my usual cleaning today. However, since I really attacked the bathroom it took my well into the afternoon and I didn't get to the kitchen. I was a very, very tired person by the time Jamie got home from classes. Our bathroom smells really nice currently, though, and even glistens in the right light. ^_^

Friday, September 18, 2009

Finding Joy

I think, compared to a lot of people, I'm a relatively easy person to please. Many people have told me that I must lead a very exciting life or do a great deal when no one is looking, which just gives me a bit of a laugh. I learned something very important a long time ago: you should always do what you can to be happy, even if it is just a little thing every day. If nothing else, it took my stress levels down because I was no longer trying to be an impressive person.

For me, the ideal day is one that would perhaps seem boring to others. I'm happiest when I can get up, do laundry or sweep and mop, shower, make lunch, get ready for class the next day, spend time reading or writing, talk to friends, make dinner, and enjoy a good movie. Told you it was boring. Actually, in truth, that's my Monday ritual. I only have classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so the other days in my week are falling into a very particular, relaxing sort of schedule. Really, I... just love simplicity. Other people thrive off of the huge adventures, but the stress usually makes it difficult for me to enjoy that sort of thing.

And I will admit that I am not an exciting person. That's not my goal in life. What I am is a relatively happy person who is working on being absolutely joyful. Really, what more could you ask for in life?

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Stress

Honestly, I have to wonder how much more I can take.

If the past six years of emotional and psychological abuse were not enough, now I have to deal with them by going to therapy. It's not so bad, but... it feels a little useless. Sometimes I wonder if my therapist knows what he's doing, but I figure I might as well give it a while longer and see if things improve. If not... Well, I'm just not going to think that far.

Add to that the absolutely awful stress of knowing that, in reality, your future is not really in your control. My school randomly dropped a $600 charge on me today, and the entire matter sent me into such an angst-fit that Kinsey made me pasta-roni to make me feel better (which is saying something, since that's a very heavy comfort food). Money's just.... so frustrating. I could pay it all off at once if I had to, but... financial anxiety is something I can't seem to get rid of. It's something that constantly bothers me: the fear that I won't be able to pay for something. I mean, it really is one of the most awful feelings in the entire world. In my opinion, whoever put us on the monetary track should have been shot. It's just too much stress.

I'm upset, I know that much because my shoulders are so tense you could break iron on them, but I don't know what to do about it. Praying and napping seem like the best options at this point, and I'm just hoping the charge turns out to be a mistake. If not... Well, let's just hope that God provides a way.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

I liiiiiiiive!

So, I said I would write on Tuesday... Here we are on Sunday, and I am at least still alive! Heh, that has to count for something, right?

Well, the week has been an interesting one. Tuesday was extremely busy with a combination of Shakespeare Acting Styles, Shakespeare (English), and Directing I, and I couldn't be happier with it. The classes give me the opportunity to study plays more in depth, and I get to look really smart when I decide to comment. My professors (for the most part) are fantastic, and go out of their way to try to get us all excited about the material. It was kind of funny, but Professor Tvordi (SE) was so excited to have me in her class that she dropped my name no less than six times and kept looking at me through the hour. The rest of the class kept giving me funny looks, but I'm certainly going to try to give them reasonable cause to give me those funny looks. I want to learn as much as I can this semester, if only because it's so directly connected to what I want to do with the rest of my life.

Professor Sham (SAS) came into class and demanded that we all go to the Shakespeare plays that were finishing up this week, which instantly translated to free tickets for the entire class. Hooray! I went to "Henry V" on Tuesday night, "As You Like It" on Wednesday, and finished off the set with "Comedy of Errors." Out of them, "As You Like It" was definitely the best, though "Comedy of Errors" was surprisingly funny... I was impressed. "Henry V", however, was so dull that I fell asleep any time that the lead was not on stage (and even then, it was only a half-of-the-time thing). But, it was a good week. I'm still standing, and I will try to keep on top of my blog.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Nearly Dead but Still Alive

So, the past week has kind of been nightmarish.

Kinsey's summer roommate (one of her friends from junior high) didn't quite get the picture about leaving in the middle of August, which meant we just got her to move out this past Saturday. What did that mean for me? Spending nights trying to not go crazy while Kinsey was at work and I was stuck alone with the girl. Thankfully, she was pretty easy to appease if one ignored the subject of her cats. Oh, those cats... Bella, her properly named angsty female feline, thought it was appropriate to sleep on my bed (and Kierstan let her even when I asked her not to). The apartment also had taken on the distinct reek of cat over the summer... badly cared for cat. So, Jamie, Kinsey and I went on a cleaning frenzy. The carpets were cleaned, the dishes done, the cat litter changed, the floors mopped and swept, the furniture rearranged...while Kierstan watched movies.

I'm glad she's gone.

I've also been having a battle with my classes, since I have to try and balance things out just right. I will be finished with theatre this fall (I only needed seven more credits and I'll have eight), which means I just need to polish off my GEs and two English classes. However, I don't know if I can finish them all off next semester. There's a weird chance that I might not have enough electives to do it, about six or seven credits worth. I think I may use Maymester, if I have to. I just want to be done so I can get on to my Master's honestly.

It also was a hard week because I went to therapy for the first time. All week I've been keeping a list of things that trigger my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and it amazes me how it shows up. I can't even look at a certain color of green without my shoulders tensing up, and I had never noticed that until I started to look for it. I've got another appointment tomorrow, so we'll see how that goes.

But!

Not everything is doom and gloom. I'm so glad to be back in school that... there aren't words. Summer is a nice chance to take a break, sure, but I've missed the challenge that comes with university. There's nothing like having a Shakespeare double-header, which I get in the form of Shakespeare 4023 and Shakespeare Acting Styles. Tuesdays and Thursdays may kill me (with four classes) but I'm certainly going to have fun with it. If those don't get me, I'm sure Stage Combat might. Holy crap am I out of shape! Doing four laps around a basketball court did not used to be that hard. Luckily, my professor is determined I'm going to succeed and has given me orders to bring big waterbottles to class (I forgot it today).

Also, being with Kinsey and Jamie again is just great. I hadn't realized how much I'd missed them until summer hit. It's been like getting back to business and going somewhere that doesn't haunt me. That, and they are seriously two of the funnest people I know. We're going to be dangerous to our own healths, of this I am certain. I mean, yesterday we made Chicken Mozzarella and pasta for dinner. Can we say yummy?

Anyway, I should probably run. Kinsey wants to go home for lunch, which will probably be leftovers from yesterday. That, or strudel. Maybe... I guess I'll see when we get there.

I'll probably update tomorrow, just to let you know I survived all of my Shakespeare classes. I'm so excited that I may very well hurt myself...

Love you!

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

No, this is not about a boyfriend. Sadly, I seem to have a particular lack of those over the past few years.

No, this is about a friend. Well... yes, friend probably would be the best word to describe things.

The amazing thing about college is that suddenly you are thrown in with a group of people who know nothing about you, have no expectations of your personality, and are just as scared as you are. This is a great chance to live up to your own hopes of becoming a better person and really cleaning off the slate. That was the first thing that really endeared college to me, if only because I had spent so many years before that building a persona and keeping good people away from me.

At school, I was able to make a group of friends who would shape the next few years of my life--and will have created a change that will last all of my life. Of the original group, though, I am only friends with two of them now. It's a very peculiar thing, to not be friends any more.

I suppose I'll go into storytime, if only for my own benefit. The stories, I don't think, will have as much impact on you.

The first friend I made at college was a girl who goes by the handle of Shematite online. I had moved in a little early (due to being on the Freshman Housing Board) and everything was... absolutely lonely. When I walked past her door, her nametag fell off. So, I picked it up and knocked, hoping she would be in. Shematite seemed amazed to see another person, and when I heard Nightwish blaring from her computer we got talking. It was wonderful, like I had found someone I could honestly relate to. We became such fast friends in that week that people assumed we had known each other for years instead of days. It was wonderful. She was a writer just as much as me, and we had a million things in common.

But there were times, though, when things didn't work. She would randomly disappear into her room for hours, occasionally days, and would never come out. It was heartbreaking, especially since we could tell something was wrong and she would never talk about it. Well, in the coming school year Shematite, Kit, and I decided to live together because we got along so well. We'd found the perfect place that had great rent--even if I would have to share a room for the first time in my life (Shematite couldn't stand to share a room, so I had to). When it came time for classes, though, Shematite finally sat us down and told us she wasn't registered. She couldn't afford school, but had moved down to Cedar anyway. We were hurt and confused, wondering why she hadn't talked to us about it. Then came the waves of sickness, which would follow anyone in the house getting sick and lasting for weeks after. It only got worse and worse until, at last, Shematite (we presume) got fired from her job because she never went. And then she was admitted to the hospital.

She was gone within the week, not really bothering to say goodbye or anything. I was hurt by it, hurt to the point that I did some stupid things. When she would bother to email, however rarely, I would be a bit snipey in return and never let her forget that she had run out on us. Eventually, thankfully, I did get past this point, and I tried to get her talking to me again. But she is the same old Shematite.

We invited her to come to Harry Potter, as a sort of reunion of the old gang, and she agreed to come. Two hours before the midnight screening we had tickets to, she texted to tell us her parents had taken both cars to Brigham. We wondered why she hadn't told them she was coming. I consider that friendship dead, though it has never officially been declared that in so many words. I figure it is for the best, though, because she clearly has issues she needs to work out and I have things in my own life I need to change. I wish Shematite the best, especially as far as her health goes, but I honestly don't think I will ever see her again. Consider it a gut feeling.

A more gruesome story concerns another person I counted a friend: Zach. He was a return missionary who came back for spring semester and lived on the floor below ours. I met him in my History of Theatre 2 class, and we immediately hit it off. Zach was a warm person, quiet and thoughtful, and remained my friend up until this past spring semester. Suddenly, it was like he had disappeared off the face of the planet. There is no chance of my talking to him again, though, as he attempted to murder two of his friends earlier in the summer. Honestly, I am just glad that it was not me or someone I was close to. It's scary to realize that a person can change and be so frightening without your knowing it.

Another, Mike, is really not to be blamed for our loss of contact. He went on a mission, and I am rather horrible at writing. Once in a while we still email, but it feels very much like I am talking to a suit and tie rather than the friend I knew. It's... disturbing, in a way, but he is having great success. Mike will do great things, I'm certain.

The last is probably the most painful. I met Rori at the college dorms, not too horribly long after I met Shematite. We didn't particularly hit it off at first--I don't really remember how we became friends at all. She was the outgoing blond with a plastic smile, and I was the surly brunette who somehow made the table crack up with laughter. But, we became close and even started to write together. For that, I will be eternally grateful. Rori helped me develop some of the greatest characters I will ever have, and she also helped me find the weakness in my own character. However, the discovery of my weaknesses came through the worst form: exploitation of them. Rori and I could bring out the worst in each other, everything from struggles with religion and sexuality to how anxious we could be. Most of the time, things worked very well. We would ignore the bad and enjoy the good while it lasted.

But, things just got to the point of being too much lately.

I recently prayed to find a way to work past all of the negativity in my life. Between my struggles with abuse, my horrid health, fights with friends, work, and religion, I felt like I was drowning. Then, out of the seeming blue, Rori stopped talking to me. I knew she was avoiding me, and I could feel the coming conversation--it was just a matter of how long it would take to break. Today... today was the day.

I don't know if you've ever broken up with a friend before, it is a rather strange experience. We agreed that we were not the best people to be friends at this point in our lives, and thought it would be best to... just not be in contact until things are better. I know that I need to clean my life up a great deal--I have struggles that are so personal only the Lord and I know about them. I also know that there is a lot she needs to do, which she can't do with me as a friend. So, for now at least, we're just... acquaintances with a history. It will be for the best, I know it. It just hurts like nothing else. Time and the Lord, though, will make things work out in the end. Everything will be okay as long as I do the work I am supposed to do.

And if Rori and I never get to being close friends again? Well, then it was not meant to be. I'm only twenty; there is a lot of life left to be explored. I am certain that I will make more friends in my life, and that things will get better. If nothing else, I am on the road to change.

I'm grateful that I got to have these friends at all, that they were able to come into my life. Because of them, I have a great novel that I hope to finish and publish, memories and stories that I'll gladly tell my kids, and knowledge about myself I otherwise would not have. Sometimes, that is all you can hope for when a friendship has to be put on the shelf.

I just hope I become the sort of person that is really worth being friends with. Things are not going to be easy in the midst of all of the coming adjustment, but I know I can survive it--I just may cry a little more.

I love you all, even those that have been put on the shelf. God bless you all, and may the path we walk be only as bumpy as it needs to be.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Catharsis In A Can

You know, there is something amazing about a can of paint and a roller. At first they seem like just simple things, nothing more than pigment and something to spread it with. But then you start to think about what you can do with paint: change the feel of a room, banish memories of someone who hurt you, make yourself feel better... It's magic.

Today I got a bit of my own catharsis by painting Phillip's former bedroom a bright shade of yellow. Oh, it's not too bright... more of a pastel yellow than anything. It was so wonderful, though. Suddenly it was not his room, but instead the room where Mom was going to do her painting. It was a room full of brightness and hope, and no trace of him. Even his furniture got pulled out. Do you know how much better that makes me feel? He has no room to come back to, now, and that means he is not going to be coming home.

I don't ever want him to.

Dad sometimes talks like he will, that it will just be a matter of time. If Phillip comes home, though, they simply won't see me again. I'll refuse to step foot into that house again.

As it is, I am considering doing something with my room, too. Right now it looks like the corner of the house where I was just slipped into as an afterthought. I plan on changing that. Moving a few bookcases, rearranging the room, adding some better lighting, and (of course) painting that walls will make it much better. Hopefully I will feel more like I belong with all of the changes, which is what I have been longing for. This house never really felt like home, but... it's starting to.

In other news, I got a new beta today. After Larry the Unquenchable Sea Monster died (after two wonderful years together) I did not get another fish, but today... Well, it just seemed like a great time to have a new beginning. His name is Katsu (meaning "victorious") and he is a dark blue, teal, crimson, and green crown beta fish. At the moment he is investigating the plant in his bowl, and looks as happy as can be. I'm very excited. Hopefully we'll have a great two years together. If I can manage it, I will try to get pictures of him up in the near future.

Love you all!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

To Those Concerned

Some of you were offended by my last blog post, thinking that I was too harsh and too brash. I am not apologetic because I cannot censor the way I feel. To those of you who approached me with quiet concern and love, I thank you. Your worry is appreciated. Yes, I will be making certain to get into some sort of therapy since I do have scars from what the moron formerly known as my brother put me through. However, I will not be doing so until fall because there's no point in going to one appointment here and then moving in August. I had planned to do that before I was grilled by other concerned parties who just managed to hurt me. And yes, I do not intend to be at home very often during the school year because it is an impossible place for me to be.

That is the way that things are. Currently I am hurt, angry, and upset. I will get over it, forgive where I need to, and get on with life. Until I do so, I would request that I not be pushed on the matter.

I have feelings too.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Fear

Have you ever been so afraid that you can't feel anymore? Your head screams at your heart that it should be pounding, but the only answer it gets is the faintest shaking in your hands. Instead of running to hide, you stand there dumbly as your mind attempts to process what is going on.

I spent six years living like that. Home was like that.

My parents, God bless them, made my childhood a bright and happy one. I remember all of the fun things we used to do, and how much time we spent laughing together. It was a golden age, one since tarnished by the darkness of the years. I can barely remember what it was to see my parents being carefree...

Six years ago, just about, Phillip Peter came into our home and made life frightening. I would go to sleep every night curled up around the knot of numbness, that sickening twist of fear, all the while wondering if I was going to wake up in the morning or if Phillip would just off me during the night. My days were cold, walking on a feet-slicing edge of a knife while I waited for the latest explosion. Every day it got worse, the scenes more violent. It felt like I was in some sort of sick, twisted movie where the only ending could be a homicide-suicide combination tabloid cover. Birthdays, holidays, every day could not pass without my mother and father being beaten on by a little whelp of a boy.

Best part? No one believed me when I said I didn't want to go home. They told me "Your parents are too cool! Why wouldn't you want to go home?" Because I didn't want to be near the screaming, the swearing, the hatred that was Phillip. This year, though, things finally got better. The state finally realized that Phillip was dangerous, violent, volatile and ready to kill. They took him into their custody, pulling him out of our house. That's all it is now... a house.

You see, even with him gone I can't seem to escape him. I've told my parents that I never want to hear his name again. I've told them that I am sick of the entire mess. I just want to get on with my life. But how can you let go of someone who has dug his claws into the very cavity of your heart and left poison there to rot it up? Mom, for one, just can't let him go. I told her specifically that I didn't want to hear her rants on Phillip, that I just wanted him to go away.

She doesn't listen.

Everything ties back to him, and her need to talk about how bad he makes her feel all the time. My possible internship with the Folger's Institute Library of Shakespeare? Just tied back to him. My eight page paper on Shakespeare and the shifting moral systems in Western culture? Tied back to him. The weather? Tied back to him.

Why can't it stop?!

I don't want to hurt her feelings, but if she mentions him and how he makes her feel one more time I am going to start to scream, to cry, to stop feeling at all. Why can't she get that?

And then she and Dad insisted that I see "The Soloist." Why did they do that to me? It involves someone who behaves like Phillip does--they should know, they saw it more than a week ago--and yet she demanded I see that instead of "17 Again." All the fear, all the numbness? It's back, knotting and twisting in my stomach just like it used to. My hands are shaking, my head is screaming.

And for what?

Saturday, April 18, 2009

All Rise For The Judge

I just figured that everyone would be impressed with what awesome thing I got to do today.

Yesterday I got an email from one of the professors saying that the high school drama competition needed judges, and I figured the $30 would be good. So, I sent the professor an email saying I could do it. Now, like any sane person, I thought that it was region drama. And then we got there. When I saw the sign that said "Welcome 3A State Drama Festival" I nearly died of shock. I was going to be judging state drama?!?!

Well, before I knew it I was judging kids that had been sophomores when I was a senior. First round was comedic monologues, second round was classical scenes, and third round was dramatic monologues. Oh my goodness, it was so much fun! The kids in my last round said I was the funniest judge they had had all day and that I pretty much rocked. :D I felt pretty cool just then. I remember being at State competition and admiring the judges, thinking of when I would be able to be wise enough to be one. Oh, it was just... Wow. I'm so excited. I'd do it again even if they did not pay me.

Hehe!

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Epic Weekend Part 2

Sorry it has taken so long to get the rest of this up. Between classes, large papers, Spring Break, and conferences I seem to have been unable to really take the time to tell the rest of the story. But hey, here's the rest of it!

~~~~

Well, leaving at five o'clock was perhaps not the smartest idea, especially since there had been storms the day before. Alone on the freeway I was facing wind, ice, and the coming darkness. To keep myself calm, I ended up singing to myself the entire 52 miles of the drive, which (miraculously) worked rather well. Driving through the dark in a truck that old is not something I ever want to repeat, but I made it. My nerves almost didn't, but the rest of me was just fine.

That night Beth's parents were nice enough to serve me dinner, and (even though it was meatloaf) it disappeared from my plate faster than Smokee can twitch his tail.

Sleeping in a bed like that certainly was nice. I felt nice and comfortable, and slept like a log. The next day, Beth and I decided to have fun. We went to the strip mall, and our first stop was Sally's Beauty Supplies. I teased Beth that I should dye my hair purple, and it was amazing how fast we got out of there. She can't take a joke about my haircolor apparently (just because I like to do things to my hair when I get bored). We then walked over to Cold Stone's Creamery to get some ice cream. It happened that, while we were in there, Men At Work's "Land Down Under" came on. There's a common rule that exists in our apartment: Kirstin isn't allowed in public, stores especially, when hyper. I have a unique habit that tends to scare people, though I have never figured out why. When in stores, grocery stores especially, I tend to break out into song. Well, this time I had the music provided and could not resist the urge. Swinging my hips, I started to sing along. The shock came, though, when the guy behind the counter started to sing and dance along with me. Soon we had a sing-along going on, and even Beth got in on the fun.

The rest of the weekend passed with a good deal of laughter, sugar, and movie watching. Honestly, I can't remember everything we did, beyond watching "Howl's Moving Castle," but it was a great chance to bond with Beth. Fun, yeah?

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Beth and Kirstin's Epic Weekend Adventure of Awesome

Brace yourself, my friends, for a tale so epical and wondrous that it needed a title that long. For this is not just a tale of a weekend. No, it is far more. This is the story of darkened canyons, cliffs, and strawberry blonds.

Friday morning there was a magical time where I was planning on going home. I was going to bake my godfather brownies for Valentines Day and pretend that holiday wasn't going on--it just tends to depress me when I think about it too much. But I got a feeling, you know one of those feelings, that it wouldn't be safe for me to go home. So, with a sigh, I let my parents and my ride know I was going to be staying back for the long weekend. I was expecting an affair of dullness and loneliness.

I was wrong.

Beth called me and told me she had been called into work, which I had expected. But then she told me that her parents had invited me to stay down in St. George with them for the weekend. If I went, I would get to enjoy the benefits of a big screen tv, a queen sized bed, and many other glorious things that words could describe in more sentences than I am willing to dedicate. There was one little problem: I would have to drive myself. The thought of driving Gandalf the hour it would take aaaaaall the way to St. George terrified me. I was just getting to the point of passable with the truck on the backroads: going on the freeway would be suicide. Around five o'clock I decided to take Gandalf for a spin to see how good a job I was doing that day at driving him. Suffice it to say, before long I was headed south with my laptop and dufflebag as my only company on the drive.

~To Be Continued~

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Gandalf the White, My Roomie, and Me

So I have had a very bad string of luck with cars. Seriously, it is getting ridiculous. Ever since Kermit (my first Bronco) died two years ago, I have not been able to get a car to like me. The Love Boat (a Crown Victoria) has done the best so far, but I sold that over the summer in hopes of getting a new Bronco. Well, I did get a new Bronco... and it broke. Then I got another Bronco... and it broke.

Throwing my hands into the air, I declared that I would have nothing more to do with cars. But then Dad convinced me I needed to drive something. Well, being a silly thing I agreed to learn to drive stick and borrow his white 1960s Ford truck. He drove it down this past weekend, gave me lessons, and wished me luck.

Well, I have managed to practice driving almost every day this week (except yesterday when we had company over). Beth refuses to ride with me anymore, but today Kinsey agreed to go with me. So, we went rampaging across the countryside in the truck, which we have lovingly dubbed "Gandalf the White." Things actually went really well, right up until the moment I stopped at a stop sign at the top of a small hill. I did everything right, but it wouldn't move. Well, somehow the truck got moving, and then I looked down. I had been in third instead of second. Yeah, that was smart of me.

Kinsey and I got feeling brave, though, and decided we were going to Walmart. For those who don't know the area, going to Walmart involves driving through at least one light and going to the other side of town. Well, we decided to brave it. Chugging along, we took the backroads towards it. Along the way we waved at Rori and Jamie and all of the other girls from JC3, and tried to look as natural as possible going through the city. We made it, I'll have you know that. We were laughing so hard, though, that an elderly lady informed us that we were simply having too much fun. Kinsey and I just laughed and told her that we had just survived a harrowing trek in a vehicle I am still figuring out how to drive.

And yes, we made it home safely, too. Figured you all would like to know I haven't managed to kill us yet.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Just music

Some songs I feel... attached to this week.



"Angel of Mine" by Amanda Somerville



"First Time Ever I Saw Your Face" by Leona Lewis



"Breathe Me" by Sia



"Air and Simple Gifts" from the inauguration

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Nerding Out

Today I discovered that it is entirely possible to nerd out so thoroughly that an entire class of theatre majors falls into a stunned silence for several moments, including the professor. I never thought that could happen, and I would have never guessed something I said would be to blame.

I just got out of my Shakespeare Lit. class, during which we had been discussing Henry V, Henry VI (1, 2, and 3), and Richard III. We had been talking merrily about Richard for twenty minutes and the class was winding down even though we still had ten minutes left. Unsuspectingly, Christrine asked if anyone else had something they absolutely needed to say. There was a silence, a shifting in seats as members of the class tried to avoid notice. And then I rose my hand. Expecting at least some sort of random blathering, Christine called on me, and that was when I hit them with it.

While looking at Richard III I had noticed that he had a very particular way of speaking, that he used certain sounds and structures to the way he spoke. And then I began to remember the way that other villains in Shakespeare spoke, the sounds they used. That little seed of thought blossomed when I started thinking about next semester's production of Macbeth, and it hit: Shakespeare tells you absolutely everything you need to know in the text. By the words people use you can determine whether they are good or evil, and certain speeches will use sounds and structures that purposely make you feel uneasy with a particular character. It's genius, really, the way he does it. The sinuous words they use are absolutely glorious!

Shakespeare really is my hero, and it makes me want to get a doctorate in Shakespeare even more. Ah, the love my heart holds for him can not be contained in words alone!

Anyway, after my little ramble, the class stared at me for a number of moments. Then Christine, giving me a look of mild amusement and awe, told me that I needed to get Shakespeare After All by Marjorie Garber. Luckily, my roommate has it so I can see if I like it half as much as I hope to. If I do, I am just going to have to add it to my list of books I need to get.

Well, here's hoping everything is as wonderful as I'd like!

Monday, January 5, 2009

In the Eye of the Beholder

Many of us get very excited around Christmas--or so I've noticed. People get that sparkle in their eye, and they anticipate that early morning of opening presents and watching the gifts they've given be received. It's quite magical, all things considered, that so many people are simultaneously happy.

This Christmas, I was as happy as everyone else. At the movie theatre, I would wish everyone a Merry Christmas, and I couldn't seem to stop smiling. I was more excited to see my parents' reactions to their gifts than anything--I thought I had gotten both of them good gifts. I didn't even really think about what I was getting, except maybe shooting a longing glance in the direction of the Doris Day dvd collection.

Christmas Eve came, though, and Mom insisted everyone come upstairs. As was traditional, we read the Christmas story and my brother and I got CTR rings. I was surprised at that, I haven't had a CTR ring since I was about eight years old. The last one, you see, had to be cut off my finger when it got smashed on. I couldn't seem to keep another one after that, in the few times I tried. Thinking that was all, I prepared myself to go wander back downstairs and continuing writing on a side project I've been working on. But Mom reminded me that we still had one tradition left: opening a gift from the extended family.

Since Phillip got to pick out which gift I opened, I was a bit worried. I thought he'd go for something peculiar, but it didn't work that way. Instead, he pulled out a decently sized package that was from my grandmother. When it clunked, I was terrified that it had somehow gotten broken. Hesitantly, I pulled the wrapping paper off the box, and I stared at it in confusion for a moment. Inside was a rather beaten, dusty box that looked as if it had been around for a number of decades more than I had. Confused, I slowly opened it, and I stared at what was inside.

Silverware. But, more than that, beautiful silverware. Looking in the box, I found a sheet of paper that declared it was Tudor Plated Silverware as made by the Oneida Community Silversmiths, and the paper was so old I was afraid it would fall apart in my hands. The set wasn't complete, but every piece was so beautiful and fit so wonderfully in my hands that I couldn't help but marvel at it. "It's so beautiful!" I told my Dad.

And then he told me the most stunning thing of all. "That silverware was your great grandmother's. I've known for some time you were going to inherit it."

I stared at the fork in my hand with renewed awe. It was my great grandmother's? She died nearly ten years ago, you see, and I was devastated when she passed away. My childhood is full of memories of running around in her garden and eating pecan sandies with her. We would spend a lot of time tending to the irises, and she loved to just talk with me even though I was just a tiny kid. I loved her with all of my heart, and suddenly I was holding something that had belonged to her for fifty years. I nearly cried I was so touched and so happy. The next hour was spent looking up the pattern and how much it would take to make the set complete. Suffice it to say, the pieces I am missing are on their way now. Dad was willing to go halfs with me on a set that had what I needed, so Grandma Bone's silverware won't be lonely anymore.

I can't wait until the day when I get to use her beautiful silverware with great grandchildren of my own. The set, I hope, is something that will be passed down through the family for many years to come. I could not have received a more beautiful gift.


Pretty, isn't it?





By way of information, the pattern is called "Fantasy" and was made from 1941-1959.