Self-Issued Insanity

Well, I have survived to the middle of the week, and that is something of an accomplishment. Between being dumped for a date and a root canal, I'm pretty impressed with the fact I have made it this far.

But that is not the point.

Recently I have had a lot of occasion to think--about life, loneliness, and race.

My week started with watching My Name is Khan, an Indian film about a man with autism who has to deal with prejudice against Muslims. For those who can read subtitles and handle intense material, I would certainly suggest watching it. I have never felt quite so uplifted by something that handles the difficult topic of racism. Ironically, this came after being forced to read Amiri Baraka's "The Dutchmen", which also handles the same theme. "Dutchmen" made me feel like I was worthless because I have white skin, and I was beginning to think that there was nothing about racism that would resonate with me. Thank heavens I was wrong. While "Dutchmen" bashed and ranted, Khan showed me a different perspective and allowed me to feel empathy for those I did not understand before. I just wished that everyone came at the topic with that sort of sensitivity and ability to address it peaceably.

Of course, the next day the guy I was supposed to go on a date with pulled me aside. "I'm dating this girl" were the words of doom that began the entire downward spiral. Turns out the day I asked him out he went on to ask another girl out, and things are becoming more serious. In a week. I'm just becoming frustrated with dating in general, if only because it seems like everyone else is getting asked out, engaged, married... It's horribly lonely, especially since I'm going to be turning 22 this fall. I know it's not that old--I tell myself so all the time--but I'm afraid I'm going to end up alone. Guys seem to always go for the girl who is under 5'5" and 130 lbs, which I definitely am not. I just want to scream to the entire male populace that I'm really wonderful and that they should give me a chance...but I don't think there's a megaphone quite that big.

Not even an hour after that charming discussion I found myself in a dentist's office getting a root canal. It was just one of those days. Thankfully the root canal was not that bad, and my dentist seems like a pretty good guy.

Life, though, is a really funny thing. I woke up this morning telling myself that things were only going to go up. "It can't get worse than a root canal and a date-ditch in one day, Kirstin. It'll be great." In some ways I was right--it did not get worse. I've realized that my opinion and perspective has a lot to do with how a day turns out, and the fact that I'm specifically looking for the day to go better has made it work. Scary phone calls and boring classes are nothing in the face of stubborn optimism.

This week is going to go better. I know it is. And if it doesn't? Well, that which doesn't kill you makes you strong, and that which does makes you dead.

Living

Working on "Our Town" has lead to me doing quite a bit of thinking about... life in general. At one point Emily, the somewhat annoying main female, asks if people ever really live every single moment of their lives. The Stage Manager tells her that the saints and poets might occasionally, but that no one really does. Isn't that an interesting thought?

Have you ever just spent a day, or even an hour, watching the people around you? It's amazing how much time we spend looking without really seeing. I mean, I've seen friends pass each other on the sidewalk without so much as a "hey, how's it going?" slipping past their lips. Most of the time they did not even notice their friend because they were just... too busy.

Recently, with my life being chaotic I haven't given life the value that I should. I've taken it for granted that I was going to wake up the next day, and that I would have time to do the important things that I always seem to be putting off. But do I really have time? I mean, life is just such a fragile thing that it could be gone before I know it. That's why I've resolved to, even if it is in a boring and easy-going way, enjoy each day as much as possible. I'm going to try to not nitpick about things that are out of my control, and I'm going to try to say only the best of things. After all, did not a wise, loppy-eared sage once say that "if you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all"? Ah, the golden things in the world.

But here's my challenge to you: live. See the world around you, take time to smile, enjoy the fall leaves (if you have them), and really see the people around you. Don't get so busy searching for tomorrow that you loose today.

Sickness and Excitement

Well, life has been... interesting. Elephant Man has completely stolen my life, and I have been feeling like a trainwreck lately. I've had two states in the past week: sleeping and wishing I was sleeping. Beth has decided to put me on vitamins to see if it helps, and if not I am forcibly being carted to the doctor.

Interestingly enough, in the total of an hour when I had time and coherency in the past week, Kinsey attacked my hair. Yeah...