Understanding Yourself

Christine Frezza is known to say that every play is about a character's journey from ignorance to self-awareness, and Shakespeare once mentioned that we are all just players on the stage of life. So, I suppose you could say that we are all going on journeys of ignorance to self-awareness every day, and that each is a new play for God to watch.

This semester I've been on several journeys, most of them at the exact same moment in time. The funny thing? I didn't even notice. It probably works best that way, all things considered.

My major path, though, has been one of coming to accept myself. All my life I've had ichthyosis, and for most of time I let it define who was. I wasn't just Kirstin. I was Kirstin, the girl with ichthyosis and a sharp tongue. But living like that... It is so draining. This semester I, somehow or another, ended up writing a creative nonfiction story about what it's like to live with my disorder. As I was writing it, I noticed that my disorder was a part of who I am, but it was just that: a piece. I don't know when or how, but sometime in the past year I've moved on, and have really let myself live. Even on days when my face looks absolutely horrible, I still go out and smile at people, even when they give me looks that their mothers would not approve of. I think I may have even come to love myself, to love what I see in the mirror. I may not be stunningly beautiful in the eyes of the world, but... to me, I'm starting to be someone worth noticing. It's the most amazing thing, really, to realize that you love and accept yourself. I feel like nothing can really stop me from doing what I want because I've tackled the hardest thing: myself.

I think I am really going to enjoy the new year, and I wish all of you the best.

Poem #2

A poem about what I don't like:

To My Friends

Every little look you gave me
with your plastic little smiles and glazed eyes:
I get it now.

You lied.

I told you not to do it, to not hide
what you thought and felt.
But you didn't bother to listen.

You still did it.

Manicured little dreams,
pretty realities that are so empty--
They're crumbling all around you.

I tried.

Now you wonder why every look
is suspect, scrutinized in expectation;
But you can't say I didn't warn you.

I told you so.

A poem about clothing:

My Battlefield

I can see it, from where I'm sitting on my bed:
A single lifeless mass of knitted cloth and soil that seems
determined to crawl onto my side of the room.

I snarl at it, thinking to banish it with a thought,
But it remains, gloating in its filth as it toes the boundary.

Stupid sock.

Poem #1

Unwritten

The words spill down the page
Stark and curled
On the lined surface of the paper
Meaning. Meaningless.
Words.



Let Me Fall

Words imposed on music
A tuned thought
Heart crescendos with each beat
Breath catches
The soul falls into the rhythm and
Perfection is found

Sickness and Excitement

Well, life has been... interesting. Elephant Man has completely stolen my life, and I have been feeling like a trainwreck lately. I've had two states in the past week: sleeping and wishing I was sleeping. Beth has decided to put me on vitamins to see if it helps, and if not I am forcibly being carted to the doctor.

Interestingly enough, in the total of an hour when I had time and coherency in the past week, Kinsey attacked my hair. Yeah...

A Thousand Words

Currently at SUU the Braithwaite Gallery is a display of photographs from National Geographic, and it includes some absolutely breathtaking works. My creative writing professor, as part of our class, took us down to the gallery and told us to come up with a story to tell where one of the photographs was the climax of a story.

The story I would write would be based on the photograph that I considered to be the most striking: that of the Afghani girl.

I can see this photograph being the climax of a story about a girl who has lost everything and has been sold into slavery. She would struggle through the psychological difficulties of being without her family and friends, and she would also have to face the impending problem of becoming a piece of property. The moment of climax, which this picture would capture, would be when she is being sold and suddenly a bid of an unusually high nature is placed on her. She turns her head, and it is her brother who has just placed the bid.

It May Be the Death of a Salesman

Well, I managed to cut Death of a Salesman down to six minutes and thirty seconds. Peter Sham was impressed when he overheard the mention of that, and I bet he is wondering what all I left in. My group was really excited when they got the script, but I forgot something... We have a group of six instead of the five I originally thought.

Luckily, Professor Sham was perfectly willing to let me be director since I had done the cutting of the script myself. So the parts were given out to the other members of the group. Everything seemed to be fine right up until this morning's practice. I was ready to smack Scott. I really was.

You see, in Salesman there is one character the play can't function without: Willy. Scott's playing the Willy that is known as "sane Willy" (even though he is the one driven crazy by the other and commits suicide... yes, it's irony on my part). The problem? He is not memorized and has not yet displayed a willingness to act. No matter what we did, no matter what was asked of him, he did the same things over and over again. If he is not ready by Saturday night I get the fun job of telling him he is no longer in the production.

But wait! That would leave us without a Willy, right? Wrong. The group decided I should memorize Willy just in case. So much for no stress this weekend. I may just rip my hair out.

Death of a Salesman... In Seven Minutes

Yes, you read that right. No, I am not crazy. It just happens that for my dear Acting I class I get to do yet another abridged version of a play, and this time it's Death of a Salesman. Oh joy. I was tossed into a new group composed of myself and five others, and between now and next Monday we have to put together an entire seven-to-ten minute version of the play.

Now, I am not entirely afraid of this assignment because we have already done something similar with Hamlet, which I think is a harder show to cut. It also happens that my group for the Hamlet project got extreme props from the professor, and we all earned A's on the assignment.

My fear? Well, two of the people in my group did rather badly with the last assignment, and in a play if one person slacks off the entire production suffers. It's an unfortunate fact of the theatre. However, I have decided to go into this project thinking like a director. I actually had an idea about how to stage it, since we have six people and probably about five roles. I thought it would be interesting to have two people play Willy. I figured one person could do "sane Willy" and another could do the one that is trapped in the past. What that'd do is give everyone a role and create an interesting transition as "trapped Willy" takes over the play. Besides, we have very little to work with on staging, and that would help it out a bit.

I don't know what my group thinks yet, but it was a thought I'd had and figured I should write it down. Either way, at least I know my creative juices still exist.

They Say Inspiration Can Come From Anywhere...

Well, today I was sitting at school (while trapped there for two hours) when I was suddenly struck by an interesting idea. Of course, such a thing is not uncommon--ideas come from so many different places and things that I'm used to it. It was the nature of the idea that intrigued me, though. I had the clear impression that there was some work I needed to undertake, that I was neglecting something that was left specifically to me.

The true shape of the project didn't set in for another twenty minutes, though. On my way to the bathroom, after putting my briefcase beneath my chair in my choir class, I began to sing--without really noticing--the song I wrote about a year-and-a-half ago: Nephi's Psalm. Somehow or another, while I was getting a drink the lyrics of that song congealed with a scripture reference my mother had given me, Ammon's Psalm in Alma 26. It was then I realized that I needed to write songs for the major prophets of the Book of Mormon. My roommate knows a pianist with too much time on her hands, and I already have it all but figured out which ones I need to do. By the time I'm done I should have a full program's worth of songs, including a duet between Moroni and Mormon and a song where a contemporary person is joined by all of the prophets as they give their advice to the latter days.

It should be epic, but it will probably take me several months. Who knows, maybe I will post some of the lyrics up here as I get them done.

So, what do you think?

Instant Wisdom

"It is better to be ignorant than to be mistaken." - Russian Proverb
"I'd rather not know at all than jump to the wrong conclusion." - Kirstin's translation

Romance:
It is not the pounding of blood and a reaction to beautiful words, this thing we call romance. No, it is the tango between two souls.

Money:
The empty god of a million wasted lives.

An Ode To My Man Harem

The past week has been something of a fascinating experience for me, of that I am certain. Oh, it would have been like all the others with the cycle of going to class, going home, causing mayhem, and sleeping if it had not been for one thing: a sinus infection. Third week of school and I get hit with something that devastates my ability to function and leaves me feeling so horrible that it is literally an effort to get my fevered bum unto the couch so my housemates knew I was still playing at living. Thankfully, though, it waited until Friday to really hit, and I was able to force myself to class because I had a much dreaded math exam that I simply could not miss. I didn't move the rest of the weekend.

So, today, a bit on the late side, I am going to type of a brief explanation of something for my creative writing class. Yes, I was too sick to even think in coherent sentences. The writing I did over the weekend is so bad that I am ashamed to claim it.

Dr. P, crazy thing that he is, decided to make life interesting; the entire class knew that one the moment he walked in carrying a stack of dictionaries that was trying its hardest to obscure his face. He then proclaimed that we were going to get into groups of five and randomly pick two words a piece from the dictionary given to our group. That seemed easy enough at first. And then he had us switch words with other groups and pass them out randomly. "Now, class, you're going to write a story off your list of 42 things I had you write for class, and you're going to use those two words you've been given," he said quite gleefully. Looking at the two strips of paper on my desk, I was horrified.

How in the world was I supposed to include "xenogenesis" and "Northamptonshire" in a story about me? Not only am I the near spitting image of my dad, but I also have a decided lack of experience when it comes to random shires in England. I was, to say the least, daunted by the task.

Well, in the end I decided to go with the prompt that simply said "man harem." A few of my classmates initialed by it, indicating that they wanted to hear the story, and I am more than willing to tell it. After all, it sounds a bit weird if you just mention a man harem. I think it probably caught their attention because it is such an odd phrase, and it seems to promise an interesting story at the very least. Personally, I think it's just a funny story that manages to capture my high school experience.

You see, my man harem was a group of guys that more or less treated me like a queen. It helps that one of them, Jon, was so obsessed with England that he was constantly going off about it, so that helps me use "Northamptonshire." I bet he said it at least once, knowing him. "Xenogenesis" presented something of a problem, but then I remember that we randomly had a discussion about how much they look like their parents (all because we were teasing Nick about looking like neither of his parents and more like one of the seminary teachers). "Illiterate"... Well, when you hang out with a group of guys who read manga and whine if you ask them to do more than that, it would seem you have quite an illiterate group. Worse, though, was the fact that they were all illiterate in the world of women. Honestly, the amount of advice I had to give them on getting girls was...sad.

Anyway, that's what I would tell in my story, and how I would use the words.

Sing With Your Lips

Professor Sham's favorite thing to say about theatre is that you need to be the character. He tells us that we are not supposed to act because that is being a horrible, even wretched, actor. Anyone, he says, can get up on a stage and force what they would do on a character. Real theatre happens when you toss aside who you are, who you have been, and who you will be and simply exist in the moment.

I suppose that's how I ended up on a stage in front of my class lip syncing to "The Winner Takes It All" from Mama Mia.

About a week ago he went off on one of his "acting versus being" tangents, and then gave us all a wicked grin. "In a week, class, you are going to be a lip sync. You will stand in front of the class and convince us that that, up on the stage, is a real person and that the voice is coming from you."

I was horrified. How was I supposed to do that? Oh, sure, I understand the entire thing about being; I've had to let go of who I was many times in the past. But to make it seem like, down to the very breath, I was someone else? That was going to be tricky.

Most of the next week was spent searching for a song, my worry growing with each day as I failed to come up with an idea. And then the coughing started. Beth, one of my housemates, had brought home a cold from the hospital. "Well," I thought to myself when I lost my voice, "at least I would be able to sing along and not be heard."

I stood in front of the class, the first few strains of the music cutting through the air as I tried not to look too nervous. But I couldn't seem to focus. And then the words started. Seconds passed as I mouthed along, throwing my body into the act as well as I could (considering how angry my kidneys are being). I made sure to breathe and do my best with being in line with the words. And then it was over. Just like that. There was a pause as the class considered me, and then came the murmured, "She was out." Out of character.

Or rather, that's how it would have been if I had gotten the chance to perform today.

Becoming One With The Universe

So I never thought the day would come when I was doing yoga on a weekly basis. Honestly, I think this may be one giant hint from the universe that I may need to just take a yoga class next semester.

You see, last week in my creative writing class (yes, you read that right) we did yoga in order to open up our senses. It was very nifty and relaxing, and I was a much happier person throughout the day (even in math class). What was particularly fascinating, though, was the fact I felt more grounded, even though it had only been a very short session. I had never thought of applying meditation and stretching to creative writing, but looking back I now see the connection as being obvious. Your mind needs to be centered and calm in order to work at its best, and yoga helps with that.

What really stunned me, though, was when I got to my acting I class this morning and the teacher went straight into yoga. We stretched, and zenned, and melded with the floor for an hour. He then told us that as actors we have to be able to focus and empty our minds even in the most chaotic of situations. Yoga apparently helps with that, too. All I know is that I am sitting on a bench just after acting I, and I feel pretty dang good. Oh, that baby cobra position might have made my muscles sore, and I certainly hated the part where we were on our knees... But my mind feels better.

I guess I'll just have to look into doing some yoga on my own until I can get into a class next semester. After all, as an actor and a writer I need to get in touch with myself and the universe as much and as well as possible.

The Source of All Evil

You would think they were harmless, what with their fluffy tails and floppy ears. And that's where they'll get you every time. One minute you're thinking "oh, it's so cute" and the next its teeth are set so far into your skin that you have to peel the blasted thing off with a crowbar. What evil am I speaking of?

Rabbits. Bunnies. Cottontails.

Whatever you want to call them, they are the source of all evil. Now what, you wonder, brought this up? Well, one of my dear friends introduced me to a variety of rabbit known as the "angora", and in it I found the greatest evil of all. They are so entirely adorable that my soul writhed in fear. A sight to see, they are a breed of bunny that is literally a puddle of fur with two large foofs of fur popping out to hint that there are, in fact, ears lurking somewhere in there. All you see are their cute buttony noses and, horror of horrors, their mouths.

As an author concerned for your well being, I must warn you to look away if you cannot take the cuteness. These creatures are dangerous beyond measure, and will steal your soul as quickly as eat a carrot.

Adventures in Creative Writing

Well, now, isn't this interesting? My blog has now become the host for a class of mine; rather, my creative writing will now be a huge part of this blog. Dr. Petersen, my creative writing professor, has determined that we get to keep everyone up to tabs on our writing. He, in an attempt to get us more comfortable with technology and also to allow him to see what we are working on, thinks this will be a brilliant idea. Hah.

I suppose this means that those of you who follow my blog are going to be inflicted with more of my writing. Eventually I am going to try and get pieces of my various novels up just so you can see what writing I am doing outside of class.

If nothing else, this should be an adventure. I will try to keep up on my usual blogging, too, which should be easier once I have internet in nine days. Here's hoping, anyway.

Just some interesting songs...

Isn't There More?

Work, work, work. That's all I seem to do anymore. It's not that I'm complaining--having money is certainly something I am fond of--but I miss life. It seems that my summer has been nothing but a routine of getting up, eating something (maybe), going to work, coming home, trying to catch up on e-mails, and crashing for the night. If I were to die tomorrow they'd be able to say that my last days had been spent working hard, sure, but what would be the point?

I suppose ever since May I've been extremely pensive about money. You could say my dream world would be one where we don't need it, but I suppose I'll just have to get along with dealing with the stuff.

Right, now that I've ranted. On to the good news! School starts up again in a month, and I am excited beyond words. Getting to be back in Cedar, on my own and relatively free, makes all the work I've been doing worth it. Not only that, but I'm selling my car to a guy at work. This'll give me more money (oi) that I plan on putting towards a scooter. Both of my roommates will have cars, so things like groceries shouldn't be a problem. Admittedly, I have wanted a scooter for the past two years. The only problem's been that it seemed like a silly thing to do, and I doubted my dad would go for the idea. Ha! Now that gas is $4.20 a gallon, though, buying a scooter seems to be on just about everyone's mind. It's understandable, though, since I'd save over $100 a month in gas just by having a scooter instead. Ah, that my dream might come true...

Anyway, I've been saving and looking into getting my motorcycle endorsement. Hopefully before school starts I'll be able to get one. If not, I know how to be patient. After all, I've waited two years already, what's a few more months?

Hm... Oh! Everyone should try to go see Wall-E and Kung Fu Panda. Both are amazingly good, and I spent almost all of Kung Fu Panda laughing so hard my dad probably thought I was going to hurt myself. The benefit of working at a movie theater has been seeing the movies for free, but better than that is that I get to take someone from my family with me. I know Dad was happy to see Indiana Jones for free, otherwise I don't think he would've ever gotten around to it. Not with all of the money he has to put towards my brother's meds and general idiocy. But there's more than that... The people at my work are...different. Many of them lead lives very different from mine, and they like to tease me because I'm the little LDS girl (even though I am older than half the staff). But I can see the difference I make in their lives. One of the women is so depressed that she constantly looks like she's going to cry, but when we get talking she brightens for a little bit. And there's another lady who is working on getting off of caffine and cigarettes, and she calls me her angel because of how I sing when nothing is going on in the box office. It's small things, really, but making them happier... I dunno, it's easier to forget the problems in my life. Maybe that's the trick to it all: make others happy, make yourself happy. Who knows, I'm no expert on life.

In other news, I'm going to be auditioning for American Idol. Some of my friends and I thought it might be fun, but by the looks of it I'm going to be the only one to go through with it. Oh well. I suppose worst comes to worst I will spend hours in line and not even get to audition. Then again, there's always that chance that I'll make it through. Course, I'd laugh if I did. Me? As a contestant on American Idol? Sure, I can sing, but like that? Ha! I doubt it. I guess we'll all see.

Anyway, since I have work tomorrow, I should probably go to sleep. Luckily I have the two days before Batman off so I can reserve my strength, but the fact I've not been feeling well bodes somewhat ominously. Ah, what can you do? If you need anything, don't be afraid to e-mail me. It seems that's the best way to reach me, these days.

Be good, be safe, and don't do anything you'd regret!

The Fascinating Issue of Trust

Money is an interesting thing. It really is. Have you ever stopped to notice the power it has over people? One day you can think that someone is a friend that trusts you quite a bit, and then comes the issue of money. That blasted creation.

The reason I talk of this is because, like most college students, my money is in short supply. Gas prices are on the rise to ridiculous, rent is not exactly what one can call low, and all the other costs of living seem to be rising more with each day. And in the midst of all of this comes dealing with down payments. Now, usually this would not be so entirely stressful. I've been working all semester to have the money necessary to secure a place to rent, but once in a while I've had to pay for other things like going home and dealing with paying for credits.

One of my roommates decided to go Nazi today about money, and trigged so many of my anxieties stemming from past crap that I wanted to cause her some major harm. For some reason the explanation that I would have almost the entire sum by the 9th wasn't good enough, and she went into attack mode. To say the least right now I am deeply stressed and tempted to call my friend Derek to see how much he is willing to buy my car for.

I really, really hate money. And the thing is, I feel like I can't talk to my parents about it. They have so many financial burdens because of my brother and how work is going for my dad that I just...don't want to be another problem for them. I don't know what to do.

Summer Days

You know, I never thought I would get to the point where finals week just wasn't that scary. Is that an odd sensation? I still have two papers to write, one of them being an analysis of one of my favorite movies and the other a brief blurb from the perspective of a Renaissance painter, and a radio program to mix, but I'm really calm about the whole thing. My radio program doesn't scare me because I know how to do that, and the papers...those are going to get done tonight. Tomorrow I check out of my room at Juniper, and today I turn in my journalism portfolio. Overall it seems like things are going rather well.

I'm actually going to be living down in Cedar City for the summer, so that should be something of an adventure. I'll be continuing my work at the observatory, so if you want to talk I'll be there every Monday night starting at sundown. Beyond that I'll probably be working another two jobs so my future roommate won't continue to worry about making payments on where we will be living during the summer and the coming school year. While I'm at it, I'll also be writing the book I promised I would finish this year, and I'll be working hard to do everything I can to improve the coming semester.

Life is scary. Life is hard. Life is expensive. Those are my lessons going into summer, and if the stress doesn't kill me I bet it will be a very fun experience. Here's to seeing those of you here at school in the coming fall, and to the rest of you...Well, our paths will cross again sooner or later. Don't be afraid to email me.

To life!

Nearing the Chaos of Finals

Wow, it seems like the year has all but blown past. Life is becoming a mass of days that blur together and any sense that used to exist has been tossed to the seven winds. The ride has been a long one, especially recently, but I can honestly say that I have been having so much fun along the way. School has been a new challenge that I'm still learning how to deal with in the best way possible, I've learned new ways of dealing with people, and my list of random skills has nearly doubled in just the past few months.

In all honesty I can say that college has been one of the best experiences in my life, and I can clearly see God's hand in my life. Each day He shows me over and over again that He loves me and is looking out for me. It's amazing to think that things so simple as getting a green light when I need one to so vast as being placed into a class just so I could meet a person are all being handled with loving care, and I'm so grateful to the Lord for all that he does.

This Sunday, especially, I felt His love when I taught one of my last lessons of the year. When I was first called to teach the Gospel Essentials class I was worried that I would somehow not be good enough to teach--mainly because of an experience I had acting as a substitute for the class and having only seven people show up--and from the very first lesson I gave He proved that He qualifies whomever He calls. It's amazing to watch that class talk about the gospel with such passion, and I literally just get to stand back and ask them questions on the given topic. Teaching that class has taught me so much about myself and the Lord that I wouldn't trade the experience for anything in the world, and I can honestly say that I hope I get to teach another class in the coming year.

I've also had a lot of great experiences with the people I know. Thanks to my friends here at college I've grown into a person that I can honestly say that I am beginning to really love. All of my life I've struggled with accepting myself and being happy with my appearance, and I've never really had people around me who have given me cause to rethink that. My parents, of course, have always told me that I'm a beautiful person inside and out, but do we ever really believe it when parents tell us those kinds of things? I didn't used to, but the last time my dad told me he was proud of me I couldn't help but think, "You know, I'm proud of me, too." I didn't even think that when I did Taming of the Shrew, and that was supposedly my crowning moment. People like Amberle and Rachel have shown me my own strengths and taught me that beauty isn't always as the world sees it. I guess you could say I've learned we're all beautiful, it's just a matter of whether or not we accept that beauty and allow it to blossom. It will take me a while to really accept myself and everything about me, but... Well, at least now I am on the right path.

Of course, life is going to hit a point soon where I'm going to be ripping my hair out and want to run around screaming. Finals are coming up within the next two weeks, and I can't help but be nervous. I've not done so well this semester at staying on top of assignments and doing my absolute best, and I'm worried that I'm not doing so well. Life is stressful, you see, when you have a scholarship that you have to work for, and so this summer I'm going to probably throw myself into work just in case my grades aren't good enough to keep my scholarship. I'm...terrified that I'm not going to succeed here at college, but I know that I have no other choice. I won't let myself fail. Next semester and for the last two weeks I am going to attack my classes with a will, but I don't know how this semester will turn out. I'm not overtly optimistic, but I am willing to accept whatever consequences come of my being an idiot. If I could give one piece of advice at this moment it would be to limit your stupidity to less expensive things.

Something really good happened this week, though. Ashli, a girl on my floor, has started helping me arrange music for "Nephi's Psalm" and she is absolutely wonderful. She was kind of amazed that I am being so ambitious as to want to get it published, but I have a feeling that Grandpa Bone would want me to do everything I could to spread the message of that beautiful scripture. Besides, when you get inspiration like that ignoring it is generally a stupid idea. I just hope my lyrics and Ashli's music can touch people's hearts like the testimonies of the three men it is based off of: Nephi, my grandfather, and my dad. I guess I just have to wait and see.

I've found one thing that makes me rather happy, though, and that's a random musician from Japan. His name is Hyde, and I decided to attach one of his music videos just in case any of you wanted to listen to it. The song is called "Angel's Tale" and it's all about the love he has for a wonderful girl who saved him and how, even though they are apart, he will always cherish what memories he has of her.



God bless you all, and remember I love you.

Sad News

Yesterday evening, just after dinner, I got a call from my dad. My grandfather passed away last night.

Daring To Be Passionate

Sometimes it really does rock to be an Honors student here at SUU. For those of you who have no idea what the Honors group is about I suppose I can give a quick rundown of some of the things we do, and I promise that it has a purpose.

The major thing that Honors is about is being passionate. But Kirstin, passionate about what? Well, that's the awesome thing; in the Honors program we are passionate about anything from changing problems at SUU to doing things outside of our majors to helping the community. One thing the Honors program is known for is what is called a MAD Lecture. Basically what we do is invite someone from the staff and faculty to come and talk for an hour about what they are passionate, especially on a topic they don't teach about. The last mad lecture, for instance, was Bob Ogie talking about Star Wars on a level beyond his usual lecture series, and before that we had a MAD Lecture about yoga. They're a really fun chance to see the people on campus get really excited about something, and if you watch around the school you can always see some sort of notice when one is coming up.

Another thing the Honors people are up to is actually happening this week. Every Thursday at ten o'clock at night The Grind hosts what is called "Vaudville," which is a variety show where people can do anything from dance to sing to juggle. This Thursday, however, Vaudville has been taken over by the Honors Program in order to raise funds. Now why on Earth am I bothering with mentioning this? Well, it just so happens they were daring to put me in the show performing a song with Amberle from a German musical called "Elisabeth." I don't know whether or not we'll be ready for the performance or not; so many things have been happening recently that life is just...I don't even know.

But hey, even if we're not perfect there are a number of kick butt acts from the Honors program that will be presented that night. If you're looking for a cheap date (it's only $3) or something to do with an otherwise boring Thursday night come to The Grind on Main Street at ten and enjoy a good show.

Spring Fever and House Hunting

You know, I never would have imagined that I could be this close to ending my first year of college. When you're growing up college seems to just be a distant phenomenon that happens to other people, but then it hits you over the head after the awkward period known as "life after high school." This year hasn't been the easiest--I've had to learn a lot about how college works and surviving the system that is so different from high school--but I wouldn't trade it for anything. The friends I've made, the experiences I've had, and the things I've learned are well worth all of the pain, mistakes, and time spent. In all honesty I think I can say college is one of the best things to have ever happened to me.

It's weird, but after Spring Break is over we'll only have a month left of school. And then what? May, June, and July will happen, and after that...BAM! School comes around again. Summer is going to be weird for me, that much I think I am certain of. I'm going to spend my time working and writing, and chances are I will be going insane by the time June 30th hits. I've gotten so used to being on my own and being able to just pop my head out of my door to find someone to go adventuring with that life at home is...foreign. My best friends from school will be either an hour to the north or south, and my friends from before school are also quite a ways away thanks to the move my family made this December. I don't know how I feel about summer, but I do know I am looking forward to the fall already.

And thinking of fall makes me think of the fact Amberle, Rachel, Kinsey, and I have been looking at places to live next year. Manzanita is being torn down over the summer, so there won't be as many options for housing because there is going to be something of a scramble as people try to find a place to live. That's why we've begun looking around now rather than waiting until April, and it's been...so fun. I mean, who would honestly think that going around looking at apartments and houses and duplexes would turn into an adventure? When I was growing up looking for a place to live was boring and scary, but this time around it has been so enlightening. For the first time I really feel like I'm on my own because living at Juniper wasn't a situation where I really had to fend for myself and find a place within my budget. The reason I mention this is because my friends and I today went to look at one place, and tomorrow we're going to look at another.

Holy. Crap. The one we looked at today is a brand new condo (I think it was a condo) that comes fully furnished with a dishwasher, a/c, washer, dryer, beds, and a master bathroom that is so beautiful that it nearly caused us physical pain. It was the most expensive on our list at $1,000 a semester, but when you sit down and do the math it's not so bad. We wouldn't have to buy beds or provide any furniture, which would save of us heaven alone knows how much money. I mean, it comes with a really nice tv, dining table, and everything. I wanted to move in today, but instead we took deep breaths and decided to look around. You see, bothering to keep your options open puts any other place you look at into perspective, and Dad always taught me to look around before really settling on a place.

I really like the one we looked at today, and I do plan on working both over the summer and during the school year so I don't think the money would really be an option. Besides, I could cook for myself which would instantly drop how much I was spending on food by at least 70%. Living on campus gave me great friends and great experiences, and I'm excited to see what awaits in the world of living away from the college. It should be exciting, and I hope I survive.

Beyond that... IT IS SPRING BREAK! Well, actually, I have to make it through one more class tomorrow morning, but after that I am free. Ah, the love of having a whole week where I can focus on my two ten page research papers and do a lot of just hanging out with my family. I hope to see some of my friends over the break, but I'm not going to hold my breath. All of the best laid plans tend to go very far astray. Hm, but it should be fun either way. I have to go pack, but I will let you all know just how much fun I had.

Stay safe, and don't do anything you'd regret.

A Nightmare In Red

Last night I went to the Faculty Dance Concert because my friend Christian was performing in it. He had mentioned that at the end was a thirty minute tribute to Queen, so I was more than willing to sit through a bunch of dances that would undoubtedly make no sense to my poor mind just to party out at the end. What I wasn't expecting, though, was to understand more than I expected to.

The first dance of the night was a ballet that told the story of two young people as they fought, wooed, and ended up together. That I understood this was amazing in and of itself, but during the dance I was...horribly distracted. Because of a set of red tights. Let's just say the lead male in the dance was wearing tight red tights and had way too much junk in his trunk. We came to the conclusion that his vanity got the better of him and that he stuffed. I don't think I will ever, and I mean ever, be able to think of that kid the same way ever again.

After that came a dance all about the different games people play. My favorite part was the Simon Says portion. Kara and Matt played Simon Says with Matt actually calling out commands and Kara dancing them. It made me happy. Oh, and the Red Light, Green Light portion made me pretty happy, too. Some of the dancing was a bit shotty in the beginning--something I notice because I am OCD about having everything perfectly timed--and I was afraid that I was going to have to suffer through the rest of the show.

And then in the second act a dance came along that fit one of the characters in my book's relationship with his first girlfriend so perfectly it hurt. The first time through the choreography they danced to words on the screen that displayed the girl's thoughts and the occasional speaking of certain phrases, and I noticed how she was constantly going off about loving him but he never really mentioning it. As her portion came to an end she got up and left, but the guy stayed. When they repeated the choreography it was to music, and it reflected the guys thoughts. At the end he left and walked out of the side door that is backstage. It was called Untitled (Regret) for a reason.

After that, of course, came awesome on a stick as we came to the last piece. Five Queen songs in a row with some of the silliest choreography made me happy enough that there weren't words. I wanted to get up and dance along, but figured they might have an issue with that so I stayed seated. The best laugh, though, was right at the beginning. Christian and all of the guys in the show came out in white tank tops, black spandex pants, and red sarongs and danced to "I Want To Break Free." Holy. Crap. Right at the end they were rolling over the floor trying to be sexyfine, and with the last notes of the song ripped off their tanktops. Amberle and I were laughing so hard it was difficult to pay attention to "Bicycle Race." Oh, and "Love of My Life" featured a point ballet piece that was absolutely gorgeous. I know the girl who did the dance because of Costume Construction Lab, and she's an amazing dancer. Even Laura, who could have danced with Ballet West if she dropped twenty pounds, said she did an absolutely fantastic job.

So even thought the night started out shaky with missed cues and dancers who couldn't seem to remember their choreography by the end of the night I was enchanted. Just, please, don't mention red tights near me or I might cry.

Finding Balance: The Seemingly Impossible Dream

Getting involved at college is a great thing, never mistake that, but getting lost in the rush of things that you get involved with is not such an amazing thing. Actually, it's quite far from it.

I learned that first hand this past week, and it came at quite the price.

This week I've been doing about ten million things, and all of it was pretty much my fault. My typical day this past week ran something like this: wake up, go to class, write a story for The University Journal, turn story in, go to class, edit story, go home and sit down for ten minutes, change into my techie blacks, hurry to get something to eat, run to the theatre, do costume crew for The Philadelphia Story, get home at about eleven or later, and try to slow down enough to manage to fall asleep. Crazy, no?

The ironic thing is that last Sunday I was asked to speak in Church the coming Sunday on a talk based on a talk called "Living a Balanced Life." At that time I thought it was a simple sort of idea that I had in the bag, but then the week actually happened.

By the time I got to Saturday night I had shadows under my eyes, one of my legs was threatening to give out, and I still had yet to write my talk. The next day I got up in Church and told the congregation exactly what my typical day was like, and then I explained that I had gotten something of a wakeup call thanks to the topic of my talk. I had forgotten to balance my life, and because of that neglect I was floundering.

As students and people we can get so caught up in all of the craziness we get involved with, and when we do that things manage to get out of control. We tend to worry so much about our employers, our families, and other aspects of our lives that we forget the duty we have to ourselves. Craziness, right? Isn't getting all of your work done and calling your family and helping your friend with their problems doing our duty to ourselves? Think about it, though. During your week did you take the time to take care of yourself? And did you do something that was completely spastic but made you happy? I know I didn't.

That's why in the coming week I am going to try to make sure I get things done but still have time to relax every once in a while. I'm going to take fewer stories for the Journal and get everything done at the first chance rather than waiting until the last moment. Now the challenge is what can you do to make your life a little more balanced?

That Look In My Eyes

Determination is a scary thing.

Those of you who know my really well know that when I get my mind settled on something specific strange things begin to happen. The first sign of danger is when I get "that look" in my eyes, which is usually followed by the dooming proclamation that I have an idea. What happens next usually varies depending on the situation, but suffice it to say that the trademarks are relatively easy to follow should you know what to look for.

I pity my friends here at SUU. The other day I got "that look" in my eyes.

Here at SUU I have found that making movies makes me a very happy person, and I have always been very disappointed that there are no real film classes offered. This Christmas, however, my family did a brilliant thing by giving me a video camera (an amazing one to boot) to make all the movies my little heart desired. Well, I got to thinking about what kind of project I wanted to do next, and that is when dangerous things began to happen. Enough with the short films, I thought to myself. I wanted to learn something more, and that meant kicking it up another level.


Currently I am working on writing the script for my first feature length movie, which I plan on filming this spring. Now usually this would seem like a rather crazy attempt since I am a poor college student, but I am planning on seeing if I can't get help on the monetary front. Here on campus we have the UGRAS program, which grants undergraduate students funding for things that will help them learn things and further their field. Since I am a directing major I can probably get at least some money from them after doing some budgeting and finishing the script. Epic, no? I'm also going to talk to my professors and see what help I can get by way of mentoring and advice, and I am also going to get all the help I can from the Media Center in the library.

My plan of action is clear, and look out! Before you know it I may be the next discovered director because I plan on entering my movie in several film festivals around the nation (supposing it turns out like I think it will). Wish me luck!

Life is a Party

Life is kind of funny. Have you ever noticed that?

For days on end we all go around living life, sometimes without even noticing what we're doing, and then something so entirely peculiar happens that shakes the world up. In my case a number of things have happened lately that just made me sit back and absolutely laugh at myself. And no, I wasn't just laughing at myself for no reason at all.

Recently things have been extremely busy for me, and if you have bothered to open the University Journal or looked on suujournal.com recently you will have noticed how often my name has been popping up in the past two weeks. That, my friends, is because I have been doing story after story for them. In the past seven days I have attended a concert, gone to a film festival, and learned all about the college's chapter of Habitat for Humanity (did you even know SUU had one of those?). It's been blisteringly busy, but I've been having so much fun that I consider the past two weeks something of a party.

Of course, getting the information together for the Habitat story was a bit strange. I had never really sat down and thought about what the organization did, and so I did some research on their website while I was waiting for my contact to arrive. It was intriguing, to say the least, and I was excited by the thought that SUU was going to help the community's poor by building housing. And then I got the depressing news. SUU's chapter is too small to start on that big of projects, but they do offer an alternative Spring Break where they go out of state to do work on other projects. I guess the poor of our community can only hope that eventually SUU's chapter will be big enough to start building houses, and if you want to help out more information is in the Service and Learning Center.

As for my adventures at the concert...Well, that is an interesting matter. The Angeli Duo, two very talented violinists, came to Cedar City and did a master class for local orchestra students before performing that night. It's really cool that the Cedar City Music Arts Association gets so many talented performers to come to Cedar City because it gives the PVA students a change to learn from some of the best in the business through the master classes.

My other assignment was...amazingly fun. I was able to go to the Parowan Film Festival, which is held once a year, and see Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid for the first time. It was an absolute blast to be able to see a movie like that on a big screen, and after I had written my story my friends and I went on a second quest back to Parowan for another night of the festival. Oh yes, I went to the sci-fi double feature and got to see Galaxy Quest and the original Planet of the Apes for only $2. Talk about exciting.

Life here in Cedar City is something of a party, and if you know where to look there is something going on every night. Whether it is a RAP activity or a local service project, the world is full of opportunities for new adventures and new friends. What are you going to do with what you've been given?

SUU Idol

There I was standing up on a stage with a room full of people watching me, and I had no idea what I had been thinking when I signed that paper.

Whether or not you were aware of it, as a part of Welcome Back Week there is a competition going on by the name of SUU Idol. Basically, what happened is that anyone could sign up for an audition, and then you would compete for a spot in the final six. I was there with my friend Laura, who was doing a photography assignment for the University Journal, and supporting my friend Rachel when she performed when it struck me: I could get up and sing something.

One problem. I had nothing prepared. My mind instantly went into a scramble as I tried to figure out what on Earth I would sing, and then Laura leaned over and told me to just get up and sing “Amazing Grace.” With that it was decided. Taking a deep breath I snuck back to the table and signed up for the competition. The girl smiled and handed me a paper with my number on it, and my fate was sealed. There was no backing out. I was doomed.

Almost instantly my upset stomach—the plague for the past week—began acting up again, and I disappeared for the next few minutes in hopes of dealing with that. When I walked out they were three people away from me, and with a nervous sigh I took my seat in the front row. Before I knew it I was up on stage introducing myself to the four judges with a nervous grin. I've never been so embarrassed before in my life, but I was determined to persevere. Taking a deep breath I opened my mouth and began to sing.

For the next minute or so all eyes were on me as I sang the one verse, and it was quiet enough you could hear a pin drop. I was worried that I had botched it. When I was finished the judges gave their critiques, and one of them just...hit me. Isaac, the Simon of the competition, said that my rendition made him want to believe in something. That is the highest form of compliment possible, and I was grinning like an idiot when I got off stage.

I didn't get sent on to the next round, for one reason or another, and I'm okay with that. I was just glad that I at least tried, and that I was able to do so well with no preparation. That kind of opportunity is just one of the many wonderful things that have happened to me here at SUU, and I am so glad I decided to come here. This is where I belong.

Now it is your turn. Go out there, take risks, and get involved. You never know what could happen, but you should at least try.