Fear and Faith

I have heard time and again that fear and faith cannot co-exist. For a long time, I wasn't sure what that meant. Oh, yes, the logistical side was well ingrained, but the practical application was lacking. It was a mystery, something I assumed was an issue for other people and not me.

Ha.

Since I moved out on my own, life has been a series of ups and downs. I have had the rush of getting an A on a difficult paper and the disappointment of being very ill. As a part of this whiplash, I have become very defensive. I look for reasons to shut people out and I have taken to avoiding certain situations, just because I don't want to be rejected. Silly things like advising have become extremely stressful events, and other things (like dealing with the insurance) were so intimidating that I took to avoiding them. If there was a way, I would hide from any situation I perceived as being threatening in any way.

For a very long time, I have been dealing with depression and post-traumatic stress disorder. It is a difficult set of issues because there is no "magic cure" for either of them. Sometimes medications can help, but the times I've tried being medicated for either I usually had an adverse reaction to the drugs. Therapy can help, too, but it's so expensive that I can't justify what might be an indefinite treatment. Most of the time, I am very good at handling both the depression and the PTSD. At least, I am very good at handling it when someone else is around. Living on my own...it's been more of a battle than it has ever been before. I wasn't even able to recognize the issue until today: It hit me like a ton of bricks while shampooing my hair. I felt so stupid for missing something so entirely obvious--I'm sure several of you have seen signs of it in my life.

I am not certain how I am going to handle the situation. For several months I have been letting fear rule my life, and my faith has been hurt by it. But, I think now is the time to turn to God again. He might not be able to make my problems disappear, but He can give me the courage to ask someone out, the certainty of my own worth, and the guidance I need. Now it is time to start fighting back, and it's time to win.

I'm Lucky

The other day I was talking to one of my friends about everything going wrong in her life, and I realized that I really am blessed. She is suffering from unrequited love, a bad housing situation, and had been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. My little troubles of liking the wrong guy and struggling with my classes really seemed small compared to that. Recently I have been whining too much, and I'm rather ashamed to admit that. I have so many things going right, but I've been ignoring that.

For instance, the other day I found a recording made for me by Grandpa Bone. It's only seven minutes long, but in it he reminds me of his love and reminds me of his testimony. It was made only a few months before his death and is one of the greatest treasures in my life. Literally, it's a miracle that this recording survived, and I've made sure to have it in multiple locations so it stays with me.

I've also been very lucky in my work on my paper. The other day I was absolutely stuck on it, my draft was awful, and I was deeply frustrated. I took a day off, saw a movie with my roommate, and when I came back to my paper I knew where to go. Inspiration is a powerful thing, and because of Heavenly Father's kindness I have finally finished my paper. Now I have two days to edit it, and then I can submit it to the undergraduate contest that is attached to the conference. I'm very excited and confident--I know my work is good and that I am a talented presenter. I have faith that everything will go perfectly.

And lately my testimony has truly been edified. Whether it is my grandmother knowing exactly when to call and make sure I was all right or my mother giving me advice on things she did not know were going on in my life--God has been inspiring the people in my life to make sure I do not fall. The amount of love I have been shown in the past week has truly helped me, and I know I am not alone.

I know God lives and that He loves me.